i find myself compelled to ask what, on this drunkenness scale that goes from one to toaster, is in between one and toaster. INQUIRING MINDS, ETC.

leupagus:

You ask a wise and penetrating question, my good friend, and so I shall share with you the Gus Scale of Drunk, which I have devised over the course of decades, with the assistance of many (many, many MANY) friends and family members who have answered my query “hey on a scale of one to ten just how drunk are you right now?”

1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Four
5. Five
6. Six
7. Seven
8. Eight
9. Nine
10. Ten
11. Eleven
12. Thirteen probably or something
13. It’s cool I’ve got superpowers
14. What?
15. Seventeen
16. Shhhhh, no
17. [loud burp]
18. Uh
19. Hey where’s my purse
20. Hey where’s my phone
21. Hey where’re my shoes
22. Hey what’s happening
23. WHAT?
24. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy what?
25. [any song referencing moonlight, solitude/loneliness, or body parts (ie “Light My Candle,” from Rent, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day, or “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira]
26. TWENTYONEDRUNK BITCHES
27. [immediate vomiting]
28. I’m a great drunk driver don’t even worry about it
29. Who are you. [spoken like a statement, not a question]
30. great
31. GREAT!
32. great [followed by sobbing]
33. No you are
34. if I chew the beer does it make me fat
35. [long, incredibly thoughtful monologue about how elephants have been known to seek out fermented fruit and eat it in order to achieve intoxication, followed by] oh my god did you cry when you saw Dumbo I cried so fuckin’ hard
36. A million
37. A million and one
38. [attempting to poke my boobs with a drink stirrer]
39. Ffffffffffffffffff
40. Ffffffffffffffffffwhat?
41. nope
42. we should go skydiving RIGHT FUCKING NOW OKAY
43. wheeeeeee! [zooming an imaginary toy car off someone else’s nose]
44. You know – YOU KNOW, OKAY, SO, MAYBE? I DON’T
45. billions
46. [some French children’s song about elephants]
47. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF THESE PEANUTS
48. noooooooooooooooooope
49. [snoring]
50. toaster