kidding, instead of writing fanfictions I am reading Herodotus aka the Perez Hilton of Ancient Greek History

Herodotus: so you know that dude Candaules right
Herodotus: yes you do he was super into his own wife and it was weird SO WEIRD
Herodotus: anyway not only did he literally believe the sun shone out of her sweet bippy he also thought she was the hottest thing this side of divinity
Herodotus: believing this about your wife is a bad idea and this is why:
Herodotus: so one day he’s talking to one of his bros or whatever, I think his name was Gyges but don’t quote me lol never quote me I get this shit straight from the bathhouse aka God’s ear
Herodotus: and he’s like oh my god bro my wife’s so hot she’s so hot bro you should see my hot wife
Herodotus: and Gyges is like “hahaha sure I believe you hey what about those Spartans or whatever”
Herodotus: and Canduales was like NO SHE IS SO HOT AND I’LL PROVE IT TO YOU and Gyges is like “I’m beginning to have a bad feel about this”
Herodotus: spoilers this feeling was correct
Herodotus:so Canduales is like WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME ABOUT MY HOT WIFE and Gyges is like “um I do?” and Canduales is like, “I’LL PROVE IT COME HIDE IN MY BED ROOM AND YOU CAN SEE HER STRIP”
Herodotus: and Gyges like, goes, “I literally just felt a chill go down my back, like I’ve got the gift of prophecy and your wife is going to rip off my testicles and cram them up your ass, fyi”
Herodotus: then Canduales is like lol I understand why don’t I order you to do it as your king wink wink and Gyges is like “welp that’s me fucked either way” so he hides in their bedroom and sees Canduales’ wife’s honestly amazing booty, which he does not enjoy because he has the sense the gods gave a flea and he can tell either she’s gonna find out and kill him, or Canduales is going to think it through and kill him
Herodotus: and then he tries to sneak out and totally fucking fails, the loser
Herodotus: so she sees him and she’s like “I’m not gonna scream now I’m going to make this rat ass I married pay”
and the next day she’s like yo Gyges and he’s like “yes ma’am” and she’s like why the fuck are you such a pussy scaredy peeping Tom and Gyges is like “fuck me I am so sorry” and she’s like, no no no, it’s okay I understand you wouldn’t have done it without Canduales putting you up to it
Herodotus: and Gyges is like, “whew” and then she finishes by saying that he can make up to her by either a) stabbing himself or b) stabbing her rat ass pissant husband and marrying her and becoming king
Herodotus: and Gyges just stares at her like “what”
Herodotus: You heard me, she says, either you die for looking at what isn’t yours, or you marry me so you get the right to see it
Herodotus: and Gyges is like “so I’m seeing like a lot of choices here that I don’t like at all” and she’s like, Life’s tough, tick tock, make up your mind asshole
Herodotus: and Gyges is like “well how am I supposed to kill him I can’t very well be like CANDUALES YOU LET ME SEE YOUR WIFE’S BEAUTIFUL BOOTY AND I CHALLENGE YOU FOR HER HONOR” and she’s like, oh no that would be much too nice
Herodotus: You’re gonna stab him while he’s asleep because that’s all he fucking deserves
Herodotus: and that’s how Gyges became a king and probably never slept again