And Santa’s all like, “You know, I can handle a few spelling mistakes, I got this,” and Lucifer is like “They’re addressed to me, fuck off, I’m doing it.”
Lucifer being protective of his fanmail is ceaselessly entertaining.
*deep and booming Satan voice* “Belphagor!”
“You summoned me, Your Infernal Majesty?”
“Belphagor, do we have any Barbie dolls in our stores?”
“We certainly do. Would you like one whose eyes glow red or one that chants Your praises in the middle of the night?”
*deep and booming Satan sigh* “Ugh, are all our Barbies possessed?”
“I am pleased to say so, Your Infernal Majesty.”
“Well, un-possess one of them. You heard me! Melody Lian wants a veterinarian Barbie, the one with a cat not the one with a dog. And Belphagor! Make sure the cat has the right number of limbs this time.”
“And let us see, Isaiah Stanfield who asked for a musical instrument will be receiving… a kazoo?”
“The instrument I judged to be most annoying yet still within his likely ability to play, my lord!”
“So young Isaiah will receive this miserable piece of plastic, apparently the finest gift you think I can offer him from my vast holdings, on Christmas morning only to have it confiscated by his parents by New Year’s. Leaving him with no present at all.” *Satan grows even taller, his voice drops dangerously* “Do you wish to make a fool of me, Belphagor?”
“N-no, Your Infernal Majesty! Please, mercy!”
“You will have a suitable present for Isaiah by the time I return. And I expect no more mistakes.” *Satan storms off, muttering* “A million demons at my beck and call and I still have to do everything in this Pit myself…”
Published
Kimchi and Justice 