When rabbi telushkin talks about Elijah, he’s like “how did this grouchy, bad-tempered prophet become the mythical grandpa of the entire jewish people? Why not a more personable prophet? We could have had somebody nice and jolly like Santa Claus instead of this man”
And then he basically says it’s because Elijah just can’t be satisfied, he didn’t even die, he stayed alive and just disappeared into the sky out of sheer annoyance at the unsatisfactory nature of existence and he will be clumping around the world forever, glaring at things and yelling at people, until the messiah comes
“disappeared into the sky out of sheer annoyance at the unsatisfactory nature of existence”
omg please tell me about this Elijah dude, he sounds exactly like my kind of dude
Where to begin? He’s the Trickster figure of Judaism is what I always say, at once the loudest and the sneakiest of the prophets.
He spent his whole career denouncing a bad king and his even more problematic wife. They almost killed him a few times, but he survived, and as mentioned above, never actually died, just ascended into heaven in a fiery chariot. (This is after he basically tells God he’s just too damn tired to prophet anymore.) He brought a child back from the dead through prayer.
He held a prophet-off with the prophets of Baal. Basic challenge: we each put up a sacrifice. The one whose god accepts it with fire wins. He sits back and makes fun of them while they do their stuff…”YELL LOUDER. MAYBE HE’S ASLEEP”. When it’s his turn, he pours water all over his offering, and it goes up in flames from heaven anyway. (My teacher in my Nevi’im class mentioned, in passing, that there’s crude oil in the region.)
In his not-dead-just-semi-retired afterlife, he attends every Seder and bris worldwide. It’s said he will herald the arrival of Moshiach.
He was, and remains, kind of a crank. But he’s always there for the people who need him.
There are a million legends.
“My teacher in my Nevi’im class mentioned, in passing, that there’s crude oil in the region.”
Religious leaders using sneaky pyrotechnics is a thing I like.
No major opinions on Elijah (other than the prophet competition being really cool) but the OP has a really impressive concentration of Hamilton references.
[AHAB]
How does a grouchy, bad-tempered son of a Tishbite
Dropped in a forgotten age straight off a Torah page
Grow up to be a prophet and a sage?[ELISHA]
The rover with the shofar
Got so far by preaching woe for
The foes o’ Jehovah
– and moreover –
Started out in a desert
With just a cave roof for cover[MOSHIACH]
Then idolatry came, and desecration reigned
Our land saw its future drip, dripping down the drain
He went with malice to the palace, a message in his brain
And he spoke his first refrain, said that God would hold the rain[AHAB]
Well the word got around, they said this kid’s pretty holy
Rails against the wicked, cares about the lowly
He’s the only one of all of us who dares stand up to Omri
And the world’s gonna know your name – what’s your name, man?[ELIJAH]
Eliyahu haNavi
My name is Eliyahu haNavi
And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait…[WIDOW OF ZAREPHATH]
After three years met the Baalites, said let’s have a competition
We each provide a sacrifice, we see who gets ignition
High on a hill, with their kill, their prayers shrill[COMPANY]
And Elijah got fire but the Baalites got nil[GOD]
They put him under pressure so he fled into the desert
Woulda been likely tarred and feathered but I found him, took his measure
He started meditating on My most sacred Name
He was fasting, he was blasting all his foes with holy flame[COMPANY]
Eliyahu haNavi
We are waiting in the wings for you
You could never back down, you never learned to take your time
Oh Eliyahu haNavi
When Eretz Yisrael sings for you
Will they know what you overcame?
Will they know you rewrote the game?
The world will never be the same…[AHAB]
His chariot’s in Heaven now, see if you can spot him
Just another righteous soul ascending from the bottom
Just another prophet urging penitence on Sodom
But me? I fought with him.[ELISHA]
Me? I worked with him.[MOSHIACH]
Me? I wait for him.[WIDOW OF ZAREPHATH]
Me? I saved him.[GOD]
And Me? I’m the power that awed him.[COMPANY]
There’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait![AHAB]
What’s your name, man?[ELIJAH]
Eliyahu haNavi!Holy shit Scott, can you do that on command for any character?
If so, can you write me an Aaron Burr, Sir about Isaac Newton?
So, without committing to ever doing this again, and while discouraging future requests of this sort (at least until I open my ask-box again) because they’re kind of nerd-sniping:
[NEWTON] Pardon me, are you Gottfried L? Well?
[LEIBNIZ] That depends. Who’s asking?
[NEWTON] Bloody hell. Well. My name is Isaac Newton. I’m at your service…well…I’ve read some of your stuff…
[LEIBNIZ] I’m getting nervous.
[NEWTON] Hell. There was some math I attempted that may have preempted a theory of yours – but you beat me to the printer, L. It was about the area under a curve –
[LEIBNIZ] You found the integral?
[NEWTON] Yes! I did it before you did, took the limit and computed, you think you’re undisputed, but you aren’t undisputed…so how’d you do it? How’d you publish it so fast?
[LEIBNIZ] God didn’t let the opportunity go past.
[NEWTON] You’re a theologian! Of course! I’m a theologian too! God, I wish there was Armageddon we could face head-on to prove we know more than we let on.
[LEIBNIZ] Can I buy you a drink?
[NEWTON] That would be nice.
[LEIBNIZ] And while we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice: Be less crazy.
[NEWTON] What?
[LEIBNIZ] Think more seriously.
[NEWTON] Huh.
[LEIBNIZ] Don’t waste your life upon weird Biblical conspiracy. You want to use your brain? Those who get too pious go insane.
[DESCARTES, PASCAL, BERKELEY] What time is it?! Showtime!!!
[LEIBNIZ] Like I’m sayin’…
Published
Kimchi and Justice 