incorrectdiscworldquotes:

THINGS NOBBY IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO

• Not allowed to threaten anyone with his spots
• Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of his spots by making them dance
• Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of reports involving Captain Carrot
• Not allowed to form any militia 
• Not allowed to train adopted dogs to “kiss Carrot!”
• May not call Lord Vetinari immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if he’s right
• Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once 
• The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?” 
• The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, so I was just trying on this lingery, sexual lubrication, barking up Carrot’s tree, slut puppy, or any references to squid 
• May not make posters depicting the leadership failures of Sergeant Colon 
• He is in need of a more suitable host body 
• A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield 
• The Tanty is not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new prisoners that it is 
• Cannot arrest children for being rude
• Shouting “Let’s burn the village! Let’s burn the whole fucking village!” is bad
• We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Barbarian Boys at the Mended Drum”
• We also do not sidle naked.
• We especially do not mention the time Captain Vimes had to leave the Mended Drum naked because it didn’t happen, did it, Nobby?
• Should not confess to crimes that took place before during his employment