If you’ve ever had questions about Catholicism, here are all your answers as described by me, a Bad Catholic:
Yes, we totally think the wine turns to blood
but not, like, blood in our reality. like, blood in Plato’s cave
so yes, that makes us creepy vampires
but no, we can’t explain it
There’s a bunch of stuff we can’t explain, but we gotta believe in them anyway, so we just call them “mysteries” and move on
mysteries include the blood thing, the virgin birth thing, and the three-for-the-price-of-one God thing
every time I think of the mysteries of faith, I hear Geoffrey Rush say “It’s a mystery” like he did in Shakespeare in Love
(I’d like to briefly mention here that the Immaculate Conception doesn’t refer to Mary getting knocked up with Jesus. The IC was actually her mom Anne.)
(but Mary did have a virgin birth)
(because mysteries)
For a while there was a good chance that it wasn’t going to be a father-son-and-holy-ghost situation
the Council of Nicea in 325 was basically a big fan con trying to pin down what was canon versus fanon
St. Nicholas punched out a guy, and so his side got to win the debate
no really Santa got put in jail for assault and then apparently angels totes appeared and busted him out
Other religions think we’re weird for praying to Mary and the saints as well as to God-and-Co.
answer 1: Mary is one of the saints, and what the saints all have in common is that they were (mostly) real people who did (mostly) real stuff and are definitely now chilling with God. so they kind of know how it is for us folk, and they can handle the minor human problems while God, like, makes sure gravity keeps working or something
answer 2: we kept all the small household gods, yes we did
Things the Inquisition has, on record, worried about:
Thank you this has been Lessons in Catholicism from a Bad Catholic
see the way i was taught was that we were like asking the saints to “intercede on our behalf” like gods secretaries, like, “hey mister saint anthony sir guy buddy, can i call u tony? also i know god is busy and all but like i cant find my damn keys no offense so could you maybe ask god if he could like, make them un lost, becuz i am late for work and this is kindof a problem.”
Yes this is probably a more accurate answer regarding saints.
Important things to know:
Saint histories are called hagiographies
sometimes, when you’re a kid, you get given these books full of saints and their histories, often with pictures
the pictures are usually either the saint staring up at God or angels idk, or it’s super gruesome pictures of the shit they went through in life
Awesome saints to know:
This is Saint Agnes. She got her tits cut off, and wants everyone to remember that really specifically
This is Saint Sebastian, who got tied to a tree and stuck full of arrows. He is the sexiest of our saints.
This is Saint Christina the Astonishing, who apparently isn’t real, but I call bullshit on that because after a near-death experience she couldn’t stand people anymore and went to really outrageous lengths to avoid them, thereby making her the patron saint of tumblr
Saints will have multiple things they’re “in charge of”
these things are almost always ironic and/or sometimes hilarious in combination
St. Agnes, for instance, is the patron saint of breast cancer (not hilarious)
St. Margaret of Antioch, who totally kicked her way out of dragon (WHO WAS SATAN), is the patron saint of childbirth. and explosives. and maybe also Monty Python, I’m not ruling it out
sometimes saints are the patrons of multiple things that make no sense at all
St Anne, mother of Mary and total spoiler of baby Jesus, is the saint of miners, mothers, equestrians, cabinet makers, homemakers, stablemen, French-Canadian voyageurs, and sailors
Kimchi and Justice 