hellkatsally:

hellkatsally:

I have decided that what I need right now at this very moment is a Channing Tatum and Michael Pena buddy cop movie.  You think Dwayne The Rock Johnson is going to be the villain, but really he’s a secret do-gooder who stumbled upon the evil/illegal operation and decided to work his way in to expose its secrets.  Chris Evans plays the real villain, who believes 100% that the evil he’s doing is the Right Thing to Do because that kind of bad guy is a fucking terrifying bad guy and if Chris Evans can make all of us believe that getting shot in the head by Hydra agents is the smart choice, he can make us believe that whatever evil thing his character is doing is the right thing, which is super creepy.

Also, the whole time, Channing Tatum and The Rock will slowly be falling in love and everyone’s aware of it but Channing Tatum’s character.  Michael Pena will be like, “You lived with a dude for three years, it’s okay, I already know you’re gay,” and Channing Tatum will be like, “Dude, he was my bro, that’s it.”

“Yeah, your naked bro.”

“That’s a thing!  Look, you weren’t in a frat so you don’t know this, but being naked bros with another bro is totally a valid thing.”

“That’s not a thing except maybe on the Cocky Boys website, or maybe Sean Cody, do you see the fucking lengths I go for you?  I know the names of gay porn sites for you, dude.”

“But I’m not gay.  Or bi.  Don’t start that whole thing up again.  I’m not into dudes.”

“What about that time I walked in and you were sucking your naked bro’s dick?”

“I wasn’t sucking his dick, I was giving him broral, it’s a totally different thing.”

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure you swallowed his semen.”

“What did you expect me to do, spit it out on the couch?  I’m not an animal.”

“I’m totally cool with you being gay.  Everybody is.  Your dad got that rainbow flag tattooed on his arm for you, you know.”

“My dad just likes rainbows.”

“Your dad loves his gay son and is showing his support by getting his love for you tattooed on his fucking skin, you’d better respect and come out already.”

Etc., etc.

And then they save the puppies and/or the world and at the climactic moment, the Channing Tatum character realizes that holy shit, he’s in love with The Rock and has a minor freakout because feelings.

The Michael Pena character will have to talk him down, like, “Look, it’s okay, men just aren’t encouraged to explore their emotions so you didn’t know, but it’s fine.  Romantic feelings are totally normal, all right?  And it’s totally normal to feel scared when you realize how vulnerable being in love makes you, but you have to calm down because you know more about bombs than I do and you have to stop hyperventilating long enough to tell me if I need to cut the red wire or the blue wire.”

“The blue wire.  Should I call him?  Or, no, should I text him?  I should text him, right?  He gave me his number five days ago what if he thinks I’m not texting him because I’m not interested and not just because I didn’t know, oh, my God, I’m going to text him right now.  Do you think he’ll believe me if I tell him I just forgot or does that sound like I don’t care or, no, no, the blue wire!  Blue!  I said blue!”

And then they have to run really fast and jump while there’s a giant fireball explosion behind them that doesn’t actually cause any real damage or send any shrapnel flying.

And then they apprehend the bad guys (Chris Evans should probably be naked while he’s getting handcuffed, just to be on the safe side), and Channing Tatum and The Rock go on a silly yet romantic first date that involves mini-golf and Michael Pena goes home to his college history professor wife, played in a cameo by Sandra Bullock, who is also the movie’s executive producer.

In the sequel, Michael and Sandra and then Channing and the Rock all go to a couple’s retreat that turns sinister and all four of them have to save the day and there should be a naked cameo by Chris Evans.  For continuity reasons.

This hasn’t happened yet and I want to know why.  I think we deserve this.  We’re good people.  We deserve to live in a world where this movie exists.