Meanwhile, “utter” works for the first (e.g., “you utter floorboard”) but somehow “utterly” doesn’t seem to work as well for the second (“I was utterly floorboarded”).
Utterly doesn’t work for drunk because it’s the affix for turning random objects into terms for *shocked*, obviously.
… huh. I thought that might just be the similarity to “floored”, and yet “I was utterly coat hangered” does seem to convey something similar.
I have to tell you, I am utterly sandwiched at this discovery.
Completely makes the phrase mean “super tired”.
“God, it’s been a long week, I am completely coat-hangered.”
hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Weird Biology! today, I’m going to give you a fresh look at a really weird bird you may have heard of before. so get ready to learn some badass new facts about this scrappy little football!
so say hello to:
*HEAVY METAL SCREAMING*
all right, so there isn’t much badass about a hairy, nocturnal, flightless, island-dwelling bird a little bigger than a chicken. or so they’d like you to think.
Kiwis live in New Zealand, which is fitting because they’re the Hobbits of birds. (bear with me a minute and put down the torches, please)
I swear I’m going somewhere with this
like Hobbits, Kiwis live in burrows. also like Hobbits, Kiwis are short, stocky creatures; they grow to be about eighteen inches tall and 7 pounds. (this is just slightly larger than the average chicken and probably larger than you thought they were) like Hobbits, Kiwis are voracious omnivores and eat basically anything they can fit in that ridiculous beak. and finally as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Kiwis are prodigiously hairy. like Hobbits.
and finally, the Kiwi would absolutely carry a cursed item to the ends of the earth and throw down with a Ring Wraith. (but they’d do it out of spite)
spite is the only emotion the Kiwi can feel
see, Kiwis are aggressive, territorial, and extremely tenacious. they defend their territories and burrows against anything and everything, including humans and probably also marauding armies of orcs. which, since Kiwis have squat muscular legs and extremely sharp claws, is no joke.
it’s a lot less funny when you realize that they’re at least as fast as you are.
adding to their sheer tenacious badassery is the fact that Kiwis are even still around. I don’t know if you guys are super familiar with what usually happens to flightless island-dwelling birds when humans and non-native predators show up, but it’s not good. (HINT: starts with an E and rhymes with “distinction”)
hundreds of years ago, humans first arrived on New Zealand. and they brought dogs and rats with them. these predators have been taking huge tolls on the Kiwi population for a very long time, but Kiwis are fighty tenacious bastards and against all odds they’re still here. for comparison: the Kakapo (New Zealand’s other largish flightless bird) has faced the same problem with introduced predators and is now damn near extinct.
Kiwi resilience is in large part thanks to New Zealand’s conservation programs, but also Kiwis are just tough little bastards who don’t know when to quit.
but I’ve saved the most thrashtacularly metal feat of the Kiwi for last. Kiwis form bonded pairs for life (awww), and lay one to two eggs together per year. which, okay, does not sound like a lot. however, there is an important fact that needs to be brought into consideration:
yes, that’s a REAL FUCKING XRAY. HOOOOOLY SHIT.
the egg is fucking huge. like, up to 25% of the mom’s body weight huge. that’s completely fucking ridiculous and it’s upsetting to even think about.
but that big egg makes a big, well-developed chick who comes out of the shell ready to stab you in the shin and sprint into the bushes. they’re literally born ready to throw down and are basically mini-adults. but still adorable.
continuing the family tradition!
unfortunately despite their badass ways, Kiwis are currently still under threat from introduced predators. the good news is that Kiwis are loved, celebrated, and protected by New Zealanders. (who are justly and rightly invested in their national bird, shin-kicking quirks and all)
there are many conservation programs in place for the embattled Kiwi, and its weirdness is a light that won’t be going out anytime soon.
shine on, you little weirdos, shine on.
thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee so I can caffeinate myself into the 5th dimension.
This was a joy to read
😘
The ranger at the national park that my parents visited last year described the Kiwi as “We had the ecological need for bagders, but no mammals, so the birds evolutionarily squished themselves into a badger-shaped hole out of sheer rage.”
Me: Hey, cool, this historical figure seems to have swung both ways
Homophobic Historian: THEY WERE STRAIGHT OMFG STOP READING THINGS INTO IT
Gay Historian: SO WHAT IF THEY WERE MARRIED SIX TIMES THEY WERE GAY GAY GAY
Me: But bisexuality exists and isn’t that the most sensible thing to assume if we have actual evidence of them having had both male and female lovers?
Homophobic historian: THEY WERE CONFUSED AND IT WAS JUST A PHASE
Gay Historian: LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
Me: But Anaïs just wrote about how she wanted to faceplant in this woman’s boobs, and Byron jumped from this chick’s bed into this boy’s pants and then this Mercury guy even self-identified as bisexual–
Me: Hey, cool, this historical figure seems to have swung both ways
Homophobic Historian: THEY WERE STRAIGHT OMFG STOP READING THINGS INTO IT
Gay Historian: SO WHAT IF THEY WERE MARRIED SIX TIMES THEY WERE GAY GAY GAY
Me: But bisexuality exists and isn’t that the most sensible thing to assume if we have actual evidence of them having had both male and female lovers?
Homophobic historian: THEY WERE CONFUSED AND IT WAS JUST A PHASE
Gay Historian: LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
Me: But Anaïs just wrote about how she wanted to faceplant in this woman’s boobs, and Byron jumped from this chick’s bed into this boy’s pants and then this Mercury guy even self-identified as bisexual–
the real victim in Pride and Prejudice is Georgiana Darcy, bc u know her brother spent at least two weeks lying around in his Regency Jammies eating Benjamin and Jerrold’s out of ye olde carton feeling sorry for himself bc his crush not only didn’t like him back but tore him to shreds in the process and Georgie had to deal with that and then said crush shows up at their HOUSE and she has to live w both of them probably stealing lovelorn yearning glances at each other the whole damn day while knowing if she even SUGGESTS to her brother that maybe perhaps his crush doesn’t hate his entire guts anymore he’ll just be all tragic about it bc “you don’t KNOW her Georgiana she dESPISES me and i DESERVE it”
Meanwhile, “utter” works for the first (e.g., “you utter floorboard”) but somehow “utterly” doesn’t seem to work as well for the second (“I was utterly floorboarded”).
Utterly doesn’t work for drunk because it’s the affix for turning random objects into terms for *shocked*, obviously.
… huh. I thought that might just be the similarity to “floored”, and yet “I was utterly coat hangered” does seem to convey something similar.
I have to tell you, I am utterly sandwiched at this discovery.
Completely makes the phrase mean “super tired”.
“God, it’s been a long week, I am completely coat-hangered.”
Something is
Something is wrong with our language
Is it a glitch or a feature?
Feature
I think this means you’ve been utterly linguisted.
1. Horror fiction: to be shelved around the outer wall of a spiral staircase leading down into the ground, unlit; the books being ordered roughly according to scariness, so that the more terrifying a book you are looking for, the further down the dark staircase you will have to go. The library has torches but they are a little temperamental. Just hit them on something if they go out, they’ll probably come back on again.
2. Romance fiction: the shelves here are slightly too close together, necessitating an awkward social interaction if you need to get past another browser. There are odd gaps in the books at eye height leading through to the next aisle. Also sometimes everyone is trapped in the section due to a contrived event with the lift, but fortunately there’s somewhere you can wait with tea whilst they fix it.
3. Magic realism: unremarkable shelving in the main, apart from the bottom shelf round the corner by the window. This shelf has King Wenceslaus II of Bohemia on it. He looks a little uncomfortable, but he is gamely playing along so as not to have to confront the rest of the modern world too soon.
4. Mysteries: books are never shelved the same way twice. Lots of nooks and crannies. Occasionally a dictionary drops on your head and you wake ten minutes later to find that the books you thought you were getting out have stolen your clothes and walked out of the library in them. They are checked out in your name. Are they coming back? Who knows.
5. Fantasy: section locked, but sometimes, listening at the door after nightfall, you can hear the sound of distant pipes. There is a chosen one somewhere who can unlock it. Maybe that’s you? If it is you, could you have a look at the plumbing? Because it sounds like the radiator in there really needs bleeding. Thanks.
6. Historical fiction: reserved for those works which were once considered to be fiction but which are now, for better or worse, largely true.
7. Antinovels: contained in a vacuum within the science fiction section. Large explosion likely if brought into contact with novels. Please stay away from the vacuum. The section may be dusty but is that not the philosophical end of all humanity?
8. Western: this section is not big enough for all of the books, and patrons keep on drawing on them.
I just don’t understand how this happened. But here’s a picture of a lemon from my backyard
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK
when life gives yoǘ̻̬͓͎̣̟̩̦͢ ͪ̂̀̆҉̳̘̝̺̀l͇̬̹̞̻̥͕̥̗̒̎ͩ̋ͥ͆e͙̭̭̠̣̠̊́ͩ̂̓̀ṃ̛̍̂͛̈̏o̠̪̪ͤ͗͘n̵͉̣ͭͧ̿ͧ͛̀s̷̠͑ͬͫͦ̅͡ ̸͐ͤ͘҉̦̺M̰̹͙͇ͮ̉ͫͅȦ̻̔̅̇̑ͭ͛͋͘K̠̻̫̤̇̀ͥE͂ͪ͏̱̤͚͕ ̞͔̜̬̑ͯ͑͢ͅŞ͔̦̩̳̣̖ͮ͊ͨA͈̓͂̈́̀̀̚͘C̡̠̟͉ͪ͆̔ͤ͂ͪR̬͙͕ͪ̀͠Ĩ̵̖͚̑̊̓́F͎͕̄Iͬͧ̀̂̑ͪ͟͏̴̪̤ͅC̢̰̝͓̗͛ͬ̔̍̓́́̚̚Ḙ̶̠̰̳̩̳̊ͭͮ̇̇̚̕S̻͖̣̰̒̈͟
it’s back
Satan lemon
every villain is lemons
And finally, dear listeners, a reminder; several concerned citizens have brought to the city’s attention an irregularity surrounding this summer’s citrus harvest. City council would like to remind all enterprising fruit pickers to exercise reasonable caution when acquiring these fruits. Grasp the fruit firmly around its circumference, pull slowly but steadily to avoid damaging the tree, and under no circumstances heed its demands of you. Do not acknowledge or obey the depraved whisperings of the demon fruit.
And now: The Weather.
This kind of looks like a Buddha’s hand to me
they’re a type of Citron, a citrus closely related to lemons. I wonder if whatever causes that twistedness in Buddha’s hands is present but dormant/recessive in other citruses?
a lot of people having been messaging me about this, and honestly i had no idea that Buddha’s hands existed and it totally seems likely to me??? like honestly that seems like a really plausible explanation, especially because when we look at the demon fruit, the twisty ‘arms’ are going off in all different directions when the only place i can see a twisty arm happening on a lemon is on the top. like if the fruit is developing from the original growth point into a body then why are the offshoots developing the opposite way, from a body into a twisty thing? when in a Buddha’s hand, it totally makes sense because the twisty things are growing outward anyway.
im no pomologist but the similarities in the growth patterns really do reflect in The Demon Fruit.
The short version is that Citrus is a slutty, slutty genus of plants that can knock up pretty much any other member of the genus and uh… it’s mots recent relative as of 7 million years ago, becuase why not. Usually that makes for tasty children like tangerines and whatnot, but sometimes Weird Shit happens.
All modern citrus are descended from Mandrin oranges, Pumelos and Etrogs, the latter being closest to lemons and which looks like this:
It’s big and lumpy and mostly pith but also tasty as hell so Ye Ancient Malay Archipeligo Orchard Guy gets to breeding these for more tasty innards, presumable inventing lemonade in the process. YAMAOG also finds out that it’s REALLY easy to seriously mess with the overall appearence of the fruit of these very inbred etrogs, and starts breeding all kinds of nonsense, like Bhudda’s palms, Modern Lemons and Grapefruit.
YAMAOG also noticed that in addition to the occasional ugly inbred mule child, you can also get really strange looking fruit if the tree gets sick, is malnourished, if any part of the flower is damaged, or if the weather just sucks that year. In addition to being a Major Slut, Citrus is also a Fussy Bitch.
Looking at the Demon Fruit, my best guesses are
If you’ve had weird-shaped fruits off that tree before, you might have a very strange hybrid tree like the dachsund-pitbull one of my neighbors owns.
If it’s only the one fruit, and your tree is producing otherwise normal lemons, that particular flower or branch took some kind of damage or had a viral infection, which fucked up all the hormones and hence your lemon has gone all Ending-Of-Akira on you.
GOOD NEWS FOR BOTH SCENARIOS: unless the fruit looks like it’s actually rotting, it’s safe to eat! weird fruit shapes in lemons pretty much never makes them dangerous, just maybe a bit more tart than usual.
Kimchi and Justice 