okay, listen for a sec. We all know the “”“"American”“”“” Harry Potter universe houses are trash for many, many reasons. One of the reasons is that America is too big to have just one wizarding school where there are only 4 houses, right? so I propose that we in MA instead start sorting ourselves into these exclusive New England houses I made up as I wrote this post:
-Dunked Donut (those who are loyal to their ideals, strong-willed and hardworking but susceptible to black-and-white thinking)
-Duck Boat (those with a hunger for life experience, sharp and analytical but also impulsive and desperate for thrills)
-Lobster (those who are blue-blood types with a taste for power and the intelligence to lead effectively but tend to be overzealous and can’t appreciate the subtleties of teamwork)
-Murphy, they’re literally just the Dropkick Murphys we made a whole house for them and none of them even attend the school it’s just in case one of them shows up one day
Florida Houses:
-Sunburn
-Gator
-Pub sub
-Gun
California Houses:
-In n Out
-Chili Peppers
-Redwood
-Drought
Tennessee Houses:
-Mountain Dewds
-Cowboys without Horses
-Drunken Housewifes
-Dead Deer Collectors
Oregon Houses:
– Sasquatch
– Dysentary
– Hippies
– Hipsters
Missouri Houses:
-Tornados
-Corn
-Suburban Deer
-Mosquitos
New York Houses:
-Bacon, egg, and cheese
-Road Rage
-Constant Yelling
-Pizza
Nevada Houses:
-Air Conditioning
-Stripper Glitter
-Chlorine Hair
-Indie Band
wisconsin houses:
– cheddar
– gouda
– mozzarella
– the green bay packers
Ohio houses:
– corn corn rotate soy
– Hell Is Real
– industrial river pollution
– buckeyes
Texas houses:
– piney woods
– black gold
– cow manure
– big hair
– Keep Austin Weird
(We need five, because everything’s bigger in Texas)
Illinois houses:
– Cubs
– Sox
– Bears
– Blackhawks
nah fam Illinois houses are
– The City
– South of I-80
that’s it, that’s all, we only have two houses
New Jersey Houses
– Jersey Devil (people think it’s named after the cryptid, but it’s actually named after the hockey team)
– Taylor Ham/Pork Roll (the house is broken up into two competing factions)
– Central (the Hufflepuff equivalent in that so many discount it as unimportant or doesn’t count)
– Giants (they’re OUR TEAM! FUCK YOU NEW YORK)
Indiana Houses
– Even More Corn
– Racecar
– WASP moms
– Lil Sebastian
New York Houses? You mean NYC Houses. New York would have separate schools- the one listed above (in which I would be Bacon, Egg, and Cheese), and the rest of the state.
-Viagra Triangle (Pink and Gold) -Pullman (Bronze and Black) -El Paseo (Red and Blue) -Lake Shore Brunch (Green + whatever color is most ironic right now)
Suburbs & Downstate:
-Commuter North (White and Navy) -Tornado South (Grey and Maroon) -Drinkin’ Lincoln (Orange and Blue) -Quadtopia (Yellow and Dark Green)
MAryland:
-crab
-spices
-flag
-things patterned in our flag
maine houses :
lobsterboat
moosetracks
“Gonna Get Some Weatha”
big piece of granite
pennsylvania houses:
-sheetz
– wawa (HUGE rivalry with sheetz house)
– perpetual underground trash fire
– ghost hunters
North Carolina:
Lighthouse
Lost Colony
Airplane (fuck Ohio)
Everything West of Raleigh BC That Part Doesn’t Really Matter
Okay but to build on my previous space ideas – there is no good reason why aliens from different planets would all be similar sizes. Imagine 6″ tall aliens being in the general vicinity of lots of other alien worlds but never bothering to get spaceflight together to meet them bc they’d just get stepped on
But they still GalaxySkype with them all the time and do friendly knowledge transfers, and the Smols are very friendly and happy to upload info on all the unique flora on their homeworld
And some Larges discover that the Smols are having problems because there’s not much of some certain element on their planet and they’re running out and… “a lot” to them is so little, the Larges offer to send over like a storage pod’s worth and the Smols are like “:OOO WE CANNOT AFFORD”
The Larges would be like “no no it is okay, it is not much to us. It can maybe be written off on our Space Taxes? Do not worry about it”
And the Larges insist on sending the storage pod to a large flat area like half a day’s travel outside of the nearest Smol city because they are so worried that if they did their landing calculations wrong they will incite a small quake that will cause tiny buildings to topple
The Smols trek out and are overjoyed at the enormous metal box full of conveniently-small bars of metal. They empty it out and transform it into a multi-level museum dedicated to interplanetary unity and their special friends the Larges. They take and send pictures of tiny Smols in school groups wandering through the halls and learning about the nice space giants that made their prosthetic tentacles possible
I LEARNED RECENTLY THAT PLATO WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN THE OLYMPICS FOR WRESTLING THREE TIMES. THIS PUTS A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS. I ALWAYS IMAGINED PLATO TO BE FRAIL AND MISSHAPEN BUT HE MUST HAVE BEEN FRICKEN RIPPED. I WONDER IF ARISTOTLE EVER FELT ANXIETY ABOUT GETTING PHYSICALLY (I.E. NOT JUST METAPHYSICALLY) DISMANTLED BY PLATO. PLATO WAS PROBABLY PISSED OFF BY AT LEAST A HANDFUL OF QUESTIONS ARISTOTLE ASKED HIM. ARISTOTLE WAS A LITERAL GENIUS TOO. IMAGINE PLATO LECTURING AND WRITING ON A BLACKBOARD AND ARISTOTLE THROWING A COMMENT OUT THERE ABOUT SOME COMPLEX MISSTEP IN PLATO’S LOGIC AND PLATO’S CHALK JUST SNAPS AND ARISTOTLE’S TESTICLES SUCK WAY BACK UP TO WHERE THEY DROPPED FROM, THEN PLATO IN A BLUR APPEARS BESIDE ARISTOTLE SITTING AT HIS DESK AND HE PICKS HIM UP AND SUPLEXES HIS MACEDONIAN ASS.
given the content of a lot of Plato’s conclusions I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Plato responded to a lot of reasonable criticisms with “Fight me” and that was the end of it.
We’re not actually sure whether Plato is his real name! Some people speculate that, because Platon means “broad” in Greek, this was actually his wrestling nick name. Basically, it’s like Dwayne Johnson became a famous philosopher and everyone still called him “The Rock”.
Can we have a movie about Plato starring Dwayne Johnson?
You can’t convince me that wouldn’t be the best thing ever.
I didn’t know I needed this until now. If someone can write a decent screenplay, and we get enough people to talk about it, maybe he’ll actually see it and we can kickstart the shit out of it
Plato’s name is literally just the Ancient Greek for ‘Swol’ how is this the real life
Imagine the quartet as the world’s worst gift givers tho:
Like Sam always has the best of intentions (and he starts shopping weeks in advance) but he also procrastinates wrapping things
There’s always so much else to do and Christmas is still a week away – er, two days away – well, he’ll finish wrapping after breakfast
Inevitably he’ll have a gradient of packages from neatly wrapped with three different ribbons to a grocery store sack filled with the stocking stuffers he never got around to stuffing
Steve isn’t much better – he’s good about wrapping things but then he forgets to put on a label
Leading to the incident where Natasha got Sam’s boxers and Sam got Natasha’s lingerie
Natasha likes orchestrating what everyone should give each other but her delivery could be better
She hates wrapping things so much that you’re more likely to walk in and find three identical trash bags on the couch
Or a single sheet of wrapping paper flopped across a pile of random boxes
Bucky, for his part, gives everyone a single orange and claims that he was frozen too long to put up with this strip mall nonsense
(it’s still one of the happiest times of the year though)
(They all laugh at Sam and Natasha and help Steve search for the right presents)
(And everyone appreciated Sam in Natasha’s lingerie)
Although, I don’t agree with labeling recluse as “murderous”- and the implied message that black widows would also be an exception to the heartfelt message.
(I’m not sure of the source)
you know, knowing brown recluse and black widows aren’t dangerous or fatal almost adds more weight to the poem
disability parkour- compound noun, /dɪsəˈbɪlɪti/ /pɑɹˈkʊɹ/ 1. The method by which physically disabled people who don’t have their mobility aid navigate their environment, including leaning on things, sitting down on things, asking pedestrians for help, and so on. 2. General- the ways in which all disabled people navigate an environment that is unfriendly for them.
If you do a particularly skilful feat of disability parkour, post it in the #disability parkour tag so I can cheer you on. 🙂
Kimchi and Justice 