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itsbenedict:

i dreamt about a children’s book last night that holds up surprisingly well for something that came out of the nonsense jumble of concepts my dreams throw at me

it’s called “The Cutest Most Precious Little Girl In All The World”, and it’s about a little girl (whose head is never seen, always just out of frame or obscured by something in the foreground) who’s annoyed with being called “cute”. she doesn’t want to be cute! she wants to be tough and scary!

there’s a series of increasingly outlandish patronizing events surrounding her- first her parents doting, then her whole extended family fawning, then random strangers forming crowds, then the president showing up and giving her the official title, then she’s forced to go on tour or something

anyway eventually she gets fed up with all this and runs away! and… somehow, the dream didn’t specify, but let’s assume she went to NASA and stole a rocket- she ends up on an alien spaceship, with a bunch of big scary green things

the aliens immediately freak out, having never seen anything so utterly terrifying in their entire lives, and the book ends with the little girl gleefully chasing the terrified extraterrestrials around their ship as they run around in a panic

tjmystic:

So, when I was doing my thesis on whether or not fanfiction should be considered a legitimate genre of literature, my advising professor asked me for examples.  I gave him the generic ones, of course – “Pride & Prejudice and Zombies” is a horror fanfic of “Pride & Prejudice”, “50 Shades of Grey” is an erotica fic of “Twilight" – and that seemed to make him understand what fanfiction is, but not how it’s useful.  So I thought about it, and, after about a minute, I said, “Paradise Lost is basically a fanfiction of the Book of Genesis.  And The Divine Comedy is an epic self-insertion fic for Catholic doctrine.  So, basically, you were teaching us fanfiction last semester.”  I had never before seen a grown man’s eyes widen with such fear, incomprehension, disgust, awe, and understanding.

What are some funny US history moments you can think of?

e-pluribusunum:

bisexualgambit:

Oh god you have no idea what you’ve just started:

-Thomas Jefferson almost starts war with England because he escorted the wrong woman into dinner.

-Merriwether Lewis is accidentally shot in the ass.

-Andrew Jackson’s parrot is ejected from Jackson’s funeral because the American people won’t let the parrot say fuck.

-James Madison accidentally buys prostitutes. 

-William Henry Harrison thinks bad life choices are a good idea and dies.

-The Treaty of Ghent

-Abraham Lincoln is elected and everyone in Baltimore is super pumped until they see a picture of him and collectively decided that nobody that ugly should be president. (disclaimer: I am not of the belief that Abe was ugly, but you have to admit the people of Baltimore and fucking petty and it’s hilarious)

-New England tries to secede because James Madison isn’t their real dad. The country takes it has a huge joke and laughs it off (even though they were 110% serious about leaving the union.)

-John C Calhoun. That’s it. Just John C Calhoun: what a fucking meme of a man. 

#I really want sources not to sound to factcheck but to read more this is great 

No problem friend, here are some sources for the facts!

Thomas Jefferson almost starts a war with England because he escorted the wrong woman into dinner (x) (x) 

Merriwether Lewis is accidentally shot in the ass (x)

Let Poll say fuck (x) (x)

James Madison accidentally buys prostitutes (x) (side note: I never thought I’d ever google the phrase “James Madison prostitutes” and yet here we are)

William Henry Harrison’s bad life choices (x) 

The Treaty of Ghent (x)

Baltimore hates the ugly president (x)

New England tries to run away from home (x) 

John C fucking Calhoun (x)