Only tangentially related but: THIS IS WHAT ALWAYS PISSED ME OFF ABOUT THE VAL KILMER BATMAN. DO NOT TELL ME THAT ANYONE ATTRACTED TO MEN WOULD FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THAT MOUTH.
“villain attempts to go back in time to kill superman as a small child, gets shot in the face by ma kent, who buries him behind the barn with the others” would probably have niche appeal as a comic but i don’t care, i want it
The first time a man from the future showed up at Martha Kent’s house, Clark Kent was two years old.
According to his birth certificate, anyway. She just kind of accepted that the details were a little fudged. Relativity, and all.
Maybe the stranger would have succeeded in whatever it was he wanted to do, except that he really did just show up. Appeared, like a ghost made flesh, right in the backyard. Clark, thank goodness, was out in the fields with Jonathan. He couldn’t bear to be alone, that boy, and they could never bear to leave him.
Which left Martha free to shoot the ghostly intruder in the face.
Martha had not always considered herself a shoot first, ask questions later sort of a person. But that was before she found a baby in a spaceship where her corn was supposed to be.
They’d switch off, Jonathan and her, who got Clark and who got the shotgun. Martha got the shotgun more often than not. Guns made her husband uncomfortable. She was hardly a fan, but she’d always been a terrible pacifist. Too determined to defend herself.
The sight of all that blood and brain and bone was still nauseating. She compartmentalized, told herself it was no different from slaughtering a cow; didn’t think about riot gear or tear gas or the friends she’d lost or all the things she’d moved away from when her heart couldn’t take it any longer. This was different. This was her son.
She prodded the corpse with her foot. It remained a corpse. A real nasty looking corpse, all big and burly and holding a gun much too large. She didn’t like making assumptions based on appearances, but she didn’t imagine he’d been coming for anything nice. She bent down to search his pockets, found a metal wallet and flipped it open.
Born 2018.
Well, hell. Wasn’t that just a kick in the pants?
Probably she ought to have been a bit more unsettled than she was. But she’d been waiting two years for someone to show up on her doorstep, men in black or UFOs or something. Hell, she’d half expected her sweet little boy to hatch into something worse.
Just because she brought home space babies didn’t mean she was a damn fool.
Jonathan had rejoined her in long strides, was holding Clark in such a way that he couldn’t see the corpse on the ground. “Well, shit,” he said.
“Eyup,” Martha agreed.
“Don’t look government.”
“Nope.”
“We burying him?”
“I’ll bury him,” Martha said, standing up. “You get Clark inside and read him a book or something. I don’t want him seeing any of this, getting him messed up in the head.”
“You sure? Looks heavy.”
“That’s why we have a wheelbarrow. I’ll stick him out behind the barn, might as well keep all our secrets in one place.”
Martha had a long time to think as she dug a time traveler’s grave. There were a lot of reasons someone might travel back in time trying to kill her kid. The first was her instinct as a mother, which was: he was a fucking asshole. Who killed a kid? Fucking assholes, that was who.
Now, it was also possible that her sweet little boy grew up to be some kind of space Hitler. She didn’t think she’d raise that kind of a kid, but she didn’t suppose there was any parent who set out to raise a Hitler.
Still didn’t sit right with her. She didn’t much like the idea of killing baby Hitler, either.
So my trainer’s bf cheated on her. She broke up with him. He’s holding her stuff hostage until she agrees to talk with him. Which she refuses.
She trains; for free mind you; three college linebackers, a college wrestler, two martial artists, a body builder, and… wait for it…. a Navy seal. We’re gonna go get her shit for her.
This should make for an interesting story.
So everyone who commented on this being like the avengers, you are absolutely right. That’s what all of us had in our heads as we were rolling over to dude’s house. But I’m very proud to say, this ended without violence.
Arrival:
So the super friends all jumped into one of the linebacker’s explorer and headed over to dude’s house. Ok the squad: you all know me, but the other martial artist is a little wirey hapkido guy, the linebackers are all giants (an estimated combined weight of I’d say 750-800lbs), the wrestler looks like an escaped gorilla, then the navy seal looks like your average guy but something about him is unsettling. Really unsettling. Unfortunately, the body builder had to work. Anyway, we send the Hapkido guy and the wrestler to the door first and dude answers, screams at them, and then slams the door in their face. Then the giant linebackers head over and they ring the door bell again. Lo and behold, he was much more polite, but still denied access. Finally, me and the seal join the fray. I casually make my way towards the front of the group, but the seal decides to CLIMB THE BANISTER. We all just turned and started at him completely shocked when dude answers the door. He looks at this weird mismatched group of relatively threatening individuals and one guy perched on his banister like batman. He was like “FINE. Go take what you’re looking for.”
Retrieval:
So we’re all walking through the house gathering what we think are her things and putting them into two boxes. Mind you. We are completely guessing. We didn’t even tell her we were coming, therefore we had no list of items.The only one really being productive was Hapkido, who was legitimately looking for stuff. The linebackers were just randomly picking up furniture, turning it over, and putting it back down. Just showing off how strong they were. In case the numbers game wasn’t enough, I guess they were letting him know they could break him if they wanted to. The seal was just shadowing dude in his own house. Walking behind him, not saying much, just being creepy. Then there’s me. Who was causing general mischief…. He said to take what I was looking for, that’s what I was looking for. Ahaha and the wrestler made a fricken sandwich. Because “you guys look like you have it under control, and I’m a sucker for egg salad.” We were in and out in 15 minutes.
Delivery:
So the autobots rolled out and headed towards homegirl’s spot. She was conveniently outside when we rolled up. We got out and she was like, how do you all even know each other. The truth is, we don’t. She sent us all an email once and didn’t blind copy us all. She vented to all of us about dude holding onto her stuff and we started emailing and that was that. We told her that we went to see her ex. “OMG what did you say to him?” Nothing. We’re not messenger boys. We’re delivery boys. And we gave her her boxes of stuff. She went through the first box and said that was most of her stuff. Then she got to my box and asked “Wtf is all that shit.” So I explained that I took all the batteries out of his remote controls, his deodorant, the light bulb out of his master closet, every pair of dress socks that I could find, the laces out of his running shoes, and all the toilet paper in the house. The guys just looked at me and kind of nodded like they were impressed. She then unexpectedly started CRYING and thanked us. So you have this group of meat heads all standing awkwardly with this weeping trainer. It was quiet for a second when the seal was like “So…. chipoltle?” And we all got burrito bowls.
What a great day.
This is literally the most beautiful and thrilling tale. Start to finish.
I am almost in tears I am laughing so hard. This is beautiful. I can’t believe you took all the toilet paper. I’m dying. Help. It sounds like the start of a joke: two martial artists, a wrestler, two linebackers and a Navy Seal walk into a Chipotle.
I have reblogged this a dozen times and I will reblog it a dozen more.
A lot of people have given Garnet grief for some perceived hypocrisy in the above screenshots. Sure, Garnet says this now that she’s being lusted after by some creepy mailman, but back when Ruby and Sapphire first met all it took was chasing a frog and two minutes of singing for it to be twu wuv foreva. And let’s not forget that Greg fell head over heels in love with Rose within five minutes of meeting her.
But Rose and Greg, in that respect, were redeemed in “We Need to Talk”. That episode showed clearly that, while Greg and Rose may have become infatuated when they first met, it took real work and a lot of talking before they were able to form a proper relationship. “The Answer” featured none of that, and a lot of viewers seemed to feel cheated.
I think that’s a bit unfair. Partly because I think it was pretty clear that the events in “The Answer” took place over some time, maybe days, maybe weeks, but considering the lifespan of Gems it could easily have been months or years before Ruby and Sapphire decided to fuse again. In addition, after “The Answer”, Ruby and Sapphire had five thousand fucking years to get to know each other and build a relationship. And most of all, because Ruby and Sapphire did get their own version of “We Need to Talk”, and it was called “Keystone Motel”.
Okay, right off the bat, this is my favourite episode of “Steven Universe” so far, hands down. Because I’ve seen some kids’ media handle similar themes as “We Need to Talk” (”Beauty and the Beast” is a great example); the themes of realising someone isn’t who you think they are, and that you’re falling in love with them. Sometimes the characters start out infatuated, sometimes they start out hating or fearing each other, but by the end they’re in love. It’s not an uncommon story. But I don’t think I’ve seen any such stories touching on what we see in “Keystone Motel”.
“Keystone Motel” is exactly what Garnet was talking about in the first two images; it’s about how a relationship takes fucking work.
Ruby and Sapphire are an established couple. They are committed, devoted, and deeply in love. And they are fucking pissed at each other. Ruby feels that her feelings are being ignored and devalued. And Sapphire feels that she must put her own pain aside for the greater good, and can’t understand why Ruby can’t do the same. Neither of them is wrong, but neither of them is right either. Their inability to reconcile these emotions are what leads to Garnet un-fusing. So yes, the couple literally has a fight so furious that they separate. And they both talk about how infuriating the other can be, and how useless it is to talk to them sometimes.
But they work it out.
They talk. Sapphire realises she’s been ignoring Ruby’s feelings, treating her anger as though it wasn’t legitimate. Ruby realises that she’s been letting her rage and pain carry her away. They realise that they’ve both made mistakes, are both expressing their feelings of hurt and betrayal in their own way, and that there’s nothing wrong with that. And through it all, despite being angry, and irritated, and in pain…they still love each other.
A couple does not have to be sunshine and rainbows and lovey-snuggle-bunnies 24/7. You can be angry with someone, hurt by their behaviour, find them annoying as all fuck…but still love them. And you can still work out your problems, if you’re willing to communicate and put in the effort.
How many times do we see that in any show or movie, let alone one for kids? And how valuable, how powerful is this lesson? How important is it to teach that sometimes relationships take work, and sometimes that work comes hand in hand with pain. But if you love each other, if you listen, if you respect your partner for who they are…then you can come through it all the stronger.
I fucking love Garnet. Because Garnet represents one of the very, very few examples in popular culture of a healthy relationship. And that is so fucking important that I do not have words to express it.
Ruby and Sapphire U-hauled it to the max didn’t they
pop culture intertextuality is just so damn *fascinating*
today a parody movie (50 shades of black) comes out, based on the 50 shades of grey movie, which was based on the 50 shades book, which was based on twilight, which was somewhat based on interview with the vampire (which anne rice based on an earlier short story she wrote), which was based on Dracula and other vampire stories, which originally came from Dr. John Polidori’s The Vampyre (even though Vampires were a thing in folk tales before then, he was the one who made them all classy, etc.)
so really, like so many things, this is all Lord Byron’s fault.
Kimchi and Justice 