ok here’s some facts about my guy baron von steuben
very dubious claims of
nobility. i’m too drunk and lazy to look it up right now but i’m pretty
sure he shouldn’t have actually been called a baron
anyway he served in the prussian army under frederick the great but he was discharged because of some big gay sex scandal
he spent a while in germany but – you guessed it – got into another big gay sex scandal
eventually
he realized his best option, to avoid prosecution for all these big gay
sex scandals, was to leave europe entirely and go to america where they
had way bigger fish to fry at the moment
so he’s recruited by
the continental army, with the assistance of a letter of recommendation
from ben franklin that HUGELY exaggerates his experience, probably
unintentionally (the french title “Lieutenant General Quarters Maitre”
was mistranslated as “lieutenant general” even though it really
meant “deputy quartermaster”)
so he rolls into america – first
of all, he’s arrested at the dock because he accidentally dressed
himself and all his men in red coats and everyone thought they were
british soliders. awkward
so once that’s all worked out, he rolls
into valley forge with his whole crew – like, several aides, a chef, his
dog, the whole shebang, and he’s greeted by an army of dudes who don’t
even have matching coats and haven’t showered in 10 years. these guys
are literally using their bayonets as cooking skewers, that’s how
piss-poor an army they are. steub is like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?” he is so disgusted with them
so the steub starts devising a
bunch of drills for them to kick their ass into shape. the problem here
is, he doesn’t speak a word of english, so he generally conducts drills
by cursing at the soldiers in an incomprehensible mix of german, french,
and english, leaving his french-speaking aides (alexander hamilton and
john laurens among them) to translate for him
language barrier aside, everyone absolutely loves him. he’s such a dude. at one point in the war he holds a pantsless party, like, where you’re only allowed into the tent if you’re not wearing pants? flaming shots were served. this really happened i can source it if you want
literally america would not exist without this guy. the army was a fucking DISASTER before he showed up and taught them how to fight
anYywaY after the war he moves in with two of his aides/sugar babies, future senator william north and future state representative benjamin walker. the actual situation among these housemates is unclear but some of them were definitely banging each other. anyway, later in life he legally ADOPTS these two guys because he’s such a dedicated sugar daddy
he takes in a whole harem of hot young twinks including, at one point, john adams’ son and hercules mulligan’s son after the adamses try to break the two lovebirds up
he had no idea how to handle money and poor alexander hamilton had to manage all his finances and save him from bankruptcy lmao
Guys did I ever tell you about the time I completely accidentally ruined a professionally made campaign for Dungeons and Dragons thanks to a single roll
Please explain
Ok so we had to fight our way to the bottom of a castle to stop a group of cultists from summoning an Orc god to the world and we got there and the ritual was already going so I ran up to the god, who had already begun to manifest, and cast Finger of Death, which kills any target I touch if they fail a Fortitude roll. Since he was a god, he had a good constitution and would have certainly survived
Except the DM rolled a 1
and the god exploded
Honestly this is the best addition I’m gonna get to this post so thank you
a fun fact: there is ‘a pornographic biography’ of aaron burr – which was published anonymously in 1861
and yes, it gets pretty graphic
“Burr put his arm around her waist, and pressing her to his throbbing heart, applied his lips to those ivory globes which rounded up over her dress, almost to the nipples. The effect of this was instantly apparent. The warm-hearted girl sighed heavily, there was a choking sensation in her throat, and her large dark eyes were rolled up in her head with such a softness in their expression, that Burr must have been more or less than man, not to have desired a more intimate acquaintance with her. […] Burr threw up her clothes, and revealed such charms as seldom have been exposed to the light of the sun. The smooth, round belly, the voluminous yet compact thighs, the robust calf, and small foot and ankle, the satin smoothness of the skin, and other graces not to be mentioned, but whose pouting and moist freshness betokened a guarded virginity, which, however, longed for the pressure of manhood, all these so fired him with passion, that he had scarcely the necessary patience to prepare himself for the amorous encounter.”
There once was a girl named Lenore And a bird and a bust and a door And a guy with depression And a whole lot of questions And the bird always says “Nevermore.”
Footprints in the Sand
There was a man who, at low tide Would walk with the Lord by his side Jesus said “Now look back; You’ll see one set of tracks. That’s when you got a piggy-back ride.”
Response to ‘This Is Just To Say’
This note on the fridge is to say That those ripe plums that you put away Well, I ate them last night They tasted all right Plus I slept with your sister. M’kay?
Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening
There once was a horse-riding chap Who took a trip in a cold snap He stopped in the snow But he soon had to go: He was miles away from a nap.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
There was an old father of Dylan Who was seriously, mortally illin’ “I want,” Dylan said “You to bitch till you’re dead. “I’ll be pissed if you kick it while chillin’.”
I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud
There once was a poet named Will Who tramped his way over a hill And was speechless for hours Over some stupid flowers This was years before TV, but still.
THE ONE FOR DO NOT GO GENTLE
IM CRYING
A chap from a faraway land Said two big stone legs (topless) stand An inscription fine Reads “this shit’s all mine” But all there’s to see is the sand.
OMFG,
The Second Coming
The falcon flies wider in scorn All things fall apart, or are torn And now, what rough beast Will arise in the East And slouch Bethlehemward to be born?
Edgar Allen Poe, “The Raven”:
Enthroned on the bust by the door, The raven exclaims “Nevermore!” It’s rather annoying, For I was enjoying My mourning for dear lost Lenore.
Edgar Allen Poe, “The Bells”:
Bells are quite noisy, it’s true, And each has a quite distinct hue, From silver and gold Different stories are told, Foretelling both glory and rue.
W. H. Auden, “Funeral Blues”:
Shut off the clocks and the phone, And let no dog bark with his bone: Let the planes overhead Only say “he is dead”… Now I’m sorry, there’s nobody home.
T. S. Eliot, “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”:
A man can walk down on the beach Roll his pants up and munch on a peach; He isn’t deluded And won’t be included By mermaids that sing each to each.
T.S. Eliot, “The Wasteland”:
You called me the hyacinth girl When you gave sweet Shakespeare a whirl; The city’s unreal, And the dead men don’t feel, So let’s let the storm warnings twirl.
Lewis Carroll, “The Jabberwock”:
‘Twas mimsy out there by the wabe And all of the momewraths out grabe. The Jabberwock’s dead (Some kid took off its head, And his father said “You’re my best babe!”).
Beowulf:
Terribly troubled, the Thane Demanded defense from a Dane For fierce in the fen Mighty monsters maimed men Great Grendal gave plenty of pain.
William Butler Yeats, “Stolen Child”:
Come on, human kid, and let’s go, There’s so much to see and to show. Run off with the fae, Hurry fast, skip away, And you’ll never a mortal life know!
John Keats, ‘La Belle Dame Sans Merci":
The sedge is all dry; spring has sped, And the birds that once sang have all fled. The merciless dame Goes on making her claim To young hunks who keep winding up dead.
Lord Tennyson, “The Princess”:
The echoes keep fading away With the splendor that ebbs with the day, But the castle is grand In this bright fairyland, And there’s not that much else I can say.
Christina Rossetti, “Goblin Market”:
At goblin men we mustn’t stare, And we shouldn’t go to their Fair. Their fruit may seem tasty, But we can’t be hasty, And don’t let them play with your hair!
Merry/Happy Christmas everyone! Here are some Shakespearean Christmas carols for you. I highly recommend singing these lyrics loudly and slightly out of tune if you happen to find yourself forced to sing carols today.
Hm. My Shakespearean Christmas Carols are starting to get a lot of reblogs. It must be the holiday season.
Kimchi and Justice 