What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought “Well, fuck this planet” and never came back?
what if when humans went out into the galaxy all the aliens panicked because if the dinosaurs’ tiny fur snacks now had spaceships and laser blasters and interstellar colonies then what the fuck were the dinosaurs up to???
Radio news announcer: At the University of Bath, paleontologists have discovered a fossil of a snake with four tiny little legs.
Dr Glass: *outraged* WHO DID THE THING
Radio news announcer: Now, I now what you’re thinking…
Dr Glass: NICK. THIS WAS NICK. NICK DID THE THING
Radio news announcer: “isn’t a snake with legs just a lizard?”
Dr Glass: FUCKNGI NICK
Radio news announcer: scientists assure you it is not. Researcher Nick –
Dr Glass: *doing a weird accent* “ner, it isn’t a lizaaaaaaaaarrrd.”
Nick (on the radio): *a pleasant-sounding, yet defensive and slightly on-edge American* it isn’t a lizard. it has a hinged jaw. it has belly scales. it isN’T a liZARD –
Dr Glass (to the radio): WHATEVER NICK WE DON’T CARE HOW MANY GRIZZLY BEARS YOU’VE PUNCHED
Me: what
Dr Glass: possibly Kodiak bears
Although the conversation above raised more questions than it answered, I decided to flex my incredible palaeo-art skills for this:
did you know: i am demonstrably not an artist but I have actually contributed drawn figures to a published paleontological paper
they’ll let any fucker in these days
update:
Dr Glass: did you show the picture to Nick
Me: I don’t know Nick.
Dr Glass: you met him at Famous Bloody J’s
Me: I’ve never met snake-legs-man. You paleontologists with your little global hivemind, expecting everyone on the planet to know each other like the Illuminati.
Dr Glass: you drank Famous Bloody J’s homebrew together
Me: okay… that sounds fake but okay
Dr Glass: you’ve met him! You’ve met Nick! YOU TALKED ABOUT BEARS
Me: OH
Me: OH WAIT
Me: OH, PLAID GUY
Me: GOOD OLD LUMBERJACK PLAID GUY, WE HAD SUCH GOOD TIMES
“The 60s were amazing” Yes, they were. The 1660s. The monarchy was restored, my house was burnt down in the Great Fire of London, I narrowly dodged the plague, there were rakes and libertines abound, the king was pretty and witty and I had the pleasure of receiving a most beautiful pineapple.
Let’s be honest: Jesus wouldn’t take the wheel. Jesus would let Peter drive, fall asleep in the back seat, wake up to the sound of the other eleven screaming in mortal terror (while Peter bellows expletives at the car in front), and get them out of a fatal car accident at the very last second by rebuking the speed limit.
vikings made their woman handle the finances because they thought math is witchcraft
During a military campaign, Vlad the Impaler, the basis for Dracula, once pulled his troops out of a major engagement in a valley at dusk so that the sun was in their enemies’ eyes. Once they were over the hill, they set loose a bunch of rabid bats who flew away from the sun (towards the enemy) and attacked them, leading to significant infection in their ranks, and Vlad’s eventual victory. Because of how the bats appeared from where Vlad’s soldiers appeared to be at dusk, myth stated that the soldiers turned into bats at night, which is where the “Dracula can change into a bat” thing came from.
raphael, the renaissance painter, literally fucked himself to death
during the Ottoman Empire, the Sultan Ibrahim I had 280 of his concubines drowned in the ocean after ONE of them slept with another man.
The earths carbon levels fell by 700 million tons because Genghis Khan killed so many people
King James (the one known for revising the Bible) liked to watch women give birth. That’s where the “tradition” of women laying on their backs to give birth comes from.
Previous to that it was common for women to have chairs with holes in them and straw underneath, so they could sit on this special chair and let gravity help with the birthing process.
Spicy foods were thought to increase libido and cause children to masturbate. To prevent kids from touching themselves at night, a man named Kellogg invented the blandest combination of cereals, marketed it at kids, and called it Corn Flakes
At the Battle of Gettysburg during the American Civil War, a small group of Union soldiers had run out of ammo against a large group of the Confederate Army. In a panic, the Union soldiers sprinted at them, screaming, with only bayonets drawn. The entire Confederate Army that was present turned and ran away in fear, not knowing that they had literally no ammunition.
When the Roman Emperor Caligula went to invade Britain he stood on the coast of Gaul with his army and suddenly declared war on Neptune, God of the Sea. He had his men collect sea shells from the shore as “spoils from the Ocean”.
Kimchi and Justice 