broken brain is broken – Page 8

Emotional abuse works like this:
You are screamed at, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself.

You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.

But this only provokes more screaming. Going silent provokes more screaming too, but usually it keeps the threats to the minimum. It keeps it just at screaming and not: a shove down the stairs, or order to pack your stuff and get out.

So you learn how to go silent. How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise. How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. How to dismantle the lump in your throat so you stop choking in the grocery store. How to perk up when people look at your straight-line brows and teeth-sucking frown and say, smile! How to go into a corner and hide in your head.

You learn.

And when the screaming has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and they’re all smiles, all asking for favors, all questions, you are still sucking on your shaky-shouldered anger. You are still hurt and annoyed and want to ask them, how? How can you speak to me like that? How can you pretend you did not say those things? How can you have forgotten?

But you’ve learned. So you listen to, “Can I borrow your key”s and “how was your day”s and you go silent. You play dead. You swallow the noise. And sometimes it doesn’t matter who is speaking to you, it doesn’t matter if they’ve told you “stop talking or I’ll do something I’ll regret,” it doesn’t matter if they’re a friend, it doesn’t matter if their criticism is constructive, it doesn’t matter. You’ve learned. Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice, any insult and you play dead.

Good girl.

Good Girl, Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)

sending love to anyone who been in an environment of abuse for so long that they have lost sight of what is normal behavior and what is abuse

(via lora-mathis)

100%

(via msaether)

amtep:

poetessinthepit:

I’ll never be able to live my life because I can’t perform basic tasks. It’s as simple as that. Why do I keep going?

You mean you’ll never live independently. But no-one does. Human life is a web of dependence, obligation and care. You’ll be there for others, others will be there for you.

The tasks that you call “basic” because other people seem to do them so easily, well, some people struggle with those. It’s not just you. Needing help with them doesn’t make you lesser, it just means you need support that makes sense to you. Which is what everyone needs.

Some people are lucky, they won the social lottery and get what they need without asking. It looks like they don’t need support but the reality is that they already have it. Some have to ask, demand, stamp their feet. Some don’t get it at all. They are shamed for “needing” but the reality is that the shame belongs to the society that can’t support all its members.

You have value, and you have unique value. There are things you do that you take for granted, either because you find them effortless or because they are so meaningful to you that you do them as a matter of course. People around you look on in wonder and you don’t even notice.

Why do you keep going? Sometimes, maybe even just once in your life, you’ll answer that question for someone else. And maybe then you’ll have your answer too.

searching-for-amanda:

Dear autistic parents of autistic kids:

If the special interest of one of you coincides with the aversions of another, this does not make you a bad parent!

It’s okay to communicate “I love you, but I need some space for a bit. I’m here if you need me.”

Keeping up with self-care is good for both you and your child.