I once said to my therapist after a particularly hard week, “I wish I could just fix all of my problems and move on to live a normal life”
And he looked at me and said, “There is no finish line”.
Those words felt like a stab in my heart, but they were words that I desperately needed to hear. There is no finish line to my problems. It’s not possible to get through a certain point in life and have my problems simply disappear. And it’s unhealthy to think that way. Up to that point in my life, that’s what I though recovery was. I thought it was like working your way forward until it seems like your problems never existed in the first place.
The finish line does not exist. Instead, everyone has a capacity for recovery. You may never completely rid yourself of whatever causes you pain, but you will move miles from where you started. Don’t set your expectations too high and create that theoretical finish line in your life, or you will only end up chasing it. Instead, focus on your own capacity for recovery, and be proud of yourself for every step you take.
You have to cheat. Ask for as many extensions on papers as you possibly can. Pretend your computer is broken. Use your charm if you have any. If you’re going to cry, don’t wait until you’re out of the room—do it where the people in power can see you. Eat the same food every day if you can’t think of anything else to make. Put other things ahead of taking a shower, even if your mom said you have to take a shower every two days. Sometimes people won’t notice you’re cheating but even if they do and are annoyed you might still get by.
My mom goes to workshops for people with ASD and then gives me the really long printouts that go along with them. The printouts tell me to sit down and make a list of everything I have to do. When I am anxious, as I have been this year, it’s hard to think about these things so I hold on to the printouts out of guilt but don’t actually read them. Then my mom finds them and gets upset that I haven’t read them and says that I’m not ready to live on my own.
But I am ready to live on my own. Badly. Just like I can hold down a full-time job. Badly. Just like I am getting my homework done. Badly. And I forget to balance my checkbook, which none of my non-disabled friends do because you can get it online, and my mom says, “Well it’s different for you because they would be able to do it if they needed to, but you wouldn’t, so you have to do it.” Theoretically I understand this is true, but my checkbook remains unbalanced.
Which is bad. And I feel bad. I do! At this rate I’ll never be able to go to college. But I do go to college. At this rate I’ll never be able to have any friends. But I do have friends. I just don’t do everything right with them all the time.
For people whose lives are controlled by executive dysfunction, I firmly believe the difference between getting stuff done and not getting stuff done is not caring about doing things right. You cannot always make a list all the time and be early for everything. You just can’t. Hopefully you’re good-looking or funny or you remind someone of their niece. Exploit all opportunities. Do not do what people who are not disabled tell you to do (unless you want to, of course).
All too often I find myself waiting for the day when I can do shit properly, which more or less amounts to waiting until I’m not disabled anymore. Then I can feel good enough to deserve everything I want. Well my cure is slow in arriving, so I’m just going to do everything I want now, if that’s okay with you.
400% of mental illness is thinking this is probably just how hard life is for everyone and you just can’t handle it because you’re a whiny baby who isn’t trying hard enough.
From my therapy apt. Sharing because I think it could be helpful for people. #trauma #cptsd #structuraldissociation
A chart titled “Structural Dissociation: ‘Who’ Will Show Up?” (van der Haart, Nijenhuis & Steele, 2006)
The top part of the chart has two boxes, one white and one gray. The white box says “’Going on with Normal Life’ part of the self”. It is connected horizontally with the grey box, which says “Traumatized Child Self or Selves”.
The “traumatized child” box connects vertically to each of the five gray boxes below.
While cleaning out my room I found a paper that my therapist gave me some time ago to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Sorry the paper is a little crinkled and stained, but I figured I’d post it in hopes that it will help someone like it helped me.
Here it is again with text for anyone who can’t see the picture
That thought isn’t helpful right now.
Now is not the time to think about it. I can think about it later.
This is irrational. I’m going to let it go.
I won’t argue with an irrational thought.
This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need.
This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t.
I don’t have to be perfect to be OK.
I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it.
It’s OK to make mistakes.
I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational.
I have to take risks in order to be free. I’m willing to take this risk.
It’s OK that I just had that thought/image, and it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t have to pay attention to it.
I’m ready to move on now.
I can handle being wrong.
I don’t have to suffer like this. I deserve to feel comfortable.
That’s not my responsibility.
That’s not my problem.
I’ve done the best I can.
It’s good practice to let go of this worry. I want to practice.
I know with all that’s been happening that some of you have been feeling anxious so here’s some links to some of my favourite calming distraction games:
Hi there lovely people, today I bring you some very helpful apps for the sick student! They’re very helpful for us Chronic Illness kids, mental health or just your regular flu.
1.Water Your Body. This is a great app for when you are dehydrated while having a flu or whatever, it could also be for daily use.
2. MediSafe. I can’t stress ENOUGH how helpful this app is. For people that have to take meds perpetually (or not) and are rather forgetful, this is h e a v e n. It has an alarm that tells you when to take your meds and it reminds you to bring them with you in the morning!
3. What’s Up? This app is great for keeping track of anxiety and depressive episodes. It has activities, coping methods, information about mental illnesses AND a diary! My psychiatrist and I love it!
4. Ambio. It’s a background noise app where you can customize the sounds. If I get really anxious I just put on my headphones and listen rain for hours.
5. ShakeIt Alarm. As an epileptic it takes me quite a lot of effort to wake up, but I’m sure the regular student can relate to this problem as well. So instead of having ten alarms this will truly wake you up by either shaking it, tapping it or screaming at it (not recommended if you don’t live alone).
6. Forest. It’s pretty tough to stay focused and motivated when it comes to mental illnesses, this app won’t burn your hand if you touch your phone but it IS helpful and you get to plant trees virtually and in the real world!
I’ve been using MediSafe for almost a year now and it is amazing. 10/10 would recommend.
animadvertere your comment nudged me into trying medisafe and it looks extreeeeemely useful.
So you wanna up your hoe game, but also everything is impossible and you want to die? This is the post for you!
1. Embrace the shittiness. Don’t accept it, strive for recovery, but embrace your limitations because self-love is a core value of successful hoeing.
2. You want to look hot as fuck but also you can’t wash yourself because basic hygiene is TOO HARD RIGHT NOW. Invest in mamma’s little helpers: dry shampoo and face wipes (broke ho version: baking soda and baby-wipes). You can do your hair and wash your face in like .2 seconds. You can even do it in bed. Amazing.
If doing your hair is NOT going to happen today: just throw that shit in a. a bun b. a side braid. There ya go. Rotate as needed and throw in a bandanna or headband every now and then. Nobody knows you are dying inside.
3. Your look needs to be on point but you are currently a gutter trash animal inside. Don’t even worry! Get yourself some trusty black leggings, comfy sweaters, and large boots. Sleep in these leggings and sweaters. Wake up. Put feet in large boots. Outfit sorted. The large boots are key, because a. they hide your mismatched/dirty/missing socks, b. they pull the outfit together. This can actually look super on-purpose with pretty much any style. In the summer time, sleep in your undies and then pull of a comfy dress and boots. You can do this pretty much every single day by spicing things up with a scarf or cardigan or what have you and no one really notices.
4. You need to be on that eating shit, because an unhealthy ho is an unhappy ho. When I’m doing well, I cook all sorts of yummy healthy stuff. But when I get depressed my brain is like, “Um, no.” I’ve learned the safest bet for me is to buy food that I will actually eat and ignore what your grocery bag is “supposed” to look like. There have been month long periods where all I buy is cereal and popcorn. I supplement with fruit and salads when I can. That’s okay, just feed yourself. My best ho tip is to stock up on granola bars that you like. I got through three months of this semester by eating a Clif or Laura bar for every meal during my classes/bus/in bed. Its cheap and its easy and it means you aren’t skipping meals.
Also, buy a water bottle and drink out of it as much as humanly possible.
5. Take your birth control, anti-depressants, vitamins, and whatever else at the same time every night. Put then on your nightstand next to a large jar of m&m’s. Take the pills, eat some m&m’s, have an easier time sleeping knowing that your basic health needs are taken care of.
This is perf!
You’re an angel.
This is really sweet and considerate. A lot of people have no idea how hard it is for people with mental health issues. You are truly a Goddess!
Kimchi and Justice 