rallyonward:

Terrible headcanon:

One time, because they’re wired after a fight and nobody else has a better idea, the Avengers get bored and decide to play True American.

It’s a drinking game. Except it’s also sort of like Candyland. There are stakes. The floor is lava. 

When Steve first hears about it, he asks if there are actual rules. Natasha smiles at him and says, “Everything you hear in True American is a lie.” Thanks, Natasha.

There are a lot of jokes at first about how Steve is definitely going to make it through the Secret Order of the Circle beer cans and reach the King (a very nice Macallan scotch, courtesy of Tony) first, because Steve is the truest American there ever which was. This is, of course, a fabulous joke, because Steve wasn’t around for half the political imbroglios that are required knowledge just to move from one piece of furniture to another (the floor is lava, did we not mention this, Steve), and he has the loosest possible definition of a high school education. This is not going to be Steve’s game.

Several factors are not taken into account.

First is that Thor has even less of the cultural knowledge required, and it should have be assumed from the start that he would come in last. (This would of course be wrong. Not knowing anything about American history does not stop him from, during the course of play, gaining entrance through Ellis Island, finding all six hidden locations of the Union Rat, and stopping the 1911 shirtwaist factory fire. He gets third place.)

Second is that Clint’s schooling is not so much “worse” as “absent.” And as Clint’s strategy for True American is to emphasize the drinking side of it, with a healthy dose of outrageous cheating on the behalf of Natasha, his fourth place does not particularly bother him.

Third is that Natasha is a Russian ex-pat who, while admittedly well-versed in a large swath of Americana for reasons best left unmentioned, nonetheless is slightly off the mark when it comes to the key “American asshole” mental space required to be a true master of the craft. This bothers her, but she’s working on it. Add in Clint’s assistance, and what will be her easy slide into second place is completely understandable.

Bruce does not play. He sets a chair carefully away from all other pieces of furniture, declares himself a foreign nation, and eats snacks. He is designated a water hazard by the others. (There is absolutely not a rule saying that whoever’s closest to him can beg for foreign aid and get a cookie in return. Clint should shut up about that. Particularly if he ever wants another cookie.)

Really, of any of them, True American should be right up Tony’s alley. Drinking excessively while also maintaining balance and cognitive function? Check. Genius-level knowledge in a variety of subjects? Check. A deep-seated inferiority complex with an all-encompassing need to win? So thorough a check that it might as well fill itself out in cursive and add a ten buck  tip for the waitress.

Tony is all about True American. It was his idea to play. Because maybe he wants to rub Steve’s nose in it. And it’s not like Steve can beat Tony at a game he’s never played before, with close to as much knowledge of the required history as Thor, and in the presence of teammates who he’ll probably feel obliged to help along in the spirit of team-captain-ness or whatever.  

This will be great, Tony’s pretty sure.

…If not immediately narratively obvious, Steve beats Tony.

He beats him by a lot.

He beats him so hard it’s almost physically painful to watch, except obviously not, this is a great day in Avengers history, Bruce is recording it on Natasha’s phone and they’re going to have a play-by-play rewatch with Pepper just as soon as Steve stops chugging down the Macallan while maintaining constant, unwavering eye contact with Tony. Who isn’t anywhere close to second place, but it doesn’t seem to matter, because Steve knows who planted the idea for this game and he knows exactly what Tony was going to do if Tony won and he’d been damned if he was going to let some uptown rich kid beat him at a goddamned drinking game.

Tony comes in last. Steve is the True American. Everyone else eats cookies.