some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
– “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”
– “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”
– “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”
I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let’s form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I’m for ‘em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide. I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you’re not in the fuckin’ club!
-I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…oh, wait it’s at home…in the file…under ’D’.”
-I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was “HH”, so I went to the side, I found the “H” button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin’…potato chips came out, man, because they had an “HH” button for Christ’s sake! You need to let me know. I’m not familiar with the concept of “HH”. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC’s. God-god dammit-dammit.
-I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!” My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.
-You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
exactly 1 minute ago i had absolutely no idea what the plants sesame seeds and peanuts came from look like and i am shocked and surprised
ok but literally I had no clue what most of these fruit, nut and seed plants actually looked like because I have never harvested a fruit with my bare hands apart from blackberrying and casually picking the ones that grow in my back garden
but I’ve eaten every single one of them
that’s kind of sad and a little cool and a little scary
psst.. little yellow ghosts poop out cashews pass it on
Bitter orange is a citrus fruit close to oranges, but very bitter and it must be cooked or candied to be taste good. The sweet orange (citrus sinencis), that we know of today, appeared only in the 15th century, and it was not found in cookery before the 16th century. So beware, when you read the word orange in a medieval text, it always refers to the bitter orange!
I heard a story once that a princess of Portugal who married into the English royal family served bitter orange marmalade out of spite to English people she didn’t like. Her guests had to eat it and pretend to like it because of her position. It seems several genuinely did like it, and thus eating marmalade became a custom in England.
Would you look at that, apparently I haven’t made this whole thing up. Princess Catarina de Bragança (who married King Charles II of England) is credited with introducing marmalade to England in the 1600s, along with the custom of afternoon tea. (So far I haven’t found any sources that say whether she did it out of spite.)
Kimchi and Justice 