You know why Harry Potter is amazing? 99% of fan theories, headcanons and meta could be canon because Harry is about as observant as a brick wall. Did Slytherins come back to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts? Did Draco Malfoy enjoy crossdressing? Was Hermione transgender? Who knows, certainly not Harry
Harry didn’t notice Hermione time traveling around him for a whole year or his own teacher’s hand writing
I sincerely believe that by 7th year Ravenclaws would just tell the door to their common room to fuck off and it would open for them
Q “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” A “You shouldn’t shove either up your arse.” “…Technically, yes.”
Imagine it, a poor First Year is waiting outside the common room, they can’t answer the riddle in a way to appease the eagle and must wait until someone else to answer it for them. It’s getting late, they’re starting to resign themselves to having to spend the night here.
Suddenly, their saviour comes! It’s a seventh year! Back from a night finishing off their Araithmancy essay in the Library. They look angry, but our poor little first year squares their shoulders, waiting to see what will happen, and hope that they’ll keep the door open for them.
The Seventh Year bangs the handle against the wall, and a slightly disgruntled voice asks the question again: “What is the truth?”
The Student Replies, “The Truth is that I am so fucking sick of all these mother fucking questions about stupid fucking topics like this you bloody fuck-witted bastard. Who in the name of Merlin’s saggy left testicle gives a fucking damn about all this shit anyway? I’ve been working my arse off in the library for the last seven hours now let me the fuck in or, truthfully, I’ll blast my way in and take you with me.”
The eagle knocker tutts, but allows the student entry anyway, and our little first year enters, eyes wide and in shock. They watch the seventh year go up to their bedroom, awe all over their face at their new hero. They did, indeed, learn something that day by waiting for someone to arrive, they learnt that swearing has a magic all of it’s fucking own, and that sometimes it is big and clever to use it.
I always thought she was a Time Lord, what with everything fitting in her bag and what not.
Where do you think Hermione got her idea for her clutch purse?
Oh come on, there’s NO WAY Bert was a Squib. He had a whole posse of dancing wizard chimney sweeps who would apparate to London’s West End to perform their dance show every night.
Woh
Okay, my one complaint here is that maybe Mary was originally sent to look children that might come from muggle families that show signs of being wizards/witches.
How many Nannies did Jane and Michael chase away?
Getting lost so often, kites flying off, their ‘help wanted’ floating away?
Okay but the Hat was just like, “Sure kid whatever” when Harry requested against Slytherin. What kind of conversation was this?
NO NEVILLE I CAN’T DO THAT YOU HAVE THE HEART OF A LION
THE WIZARD OF OZ WILL GIVE YOU COURAGE NEVILLE
HAKUNA MATATA NEVILLE
DO NOT RECITE THE DEEP MAGIC TO ME NEVILLE I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN
Okay, I’ve seen this post a couple of times & something just occurred to me.
Harry was pretty 50/50 Gryffindor/Slytherin from what I remember the hat saying (and according to the wiki blurb on hatstalls having a fairly equal split of traits from more than one house is the common cause of them) so when he asked not to be put into Slytherin the hat was fine with taking that preference into account and put him in Gryffindor. (Also the fact that the hat said he could be great and powerful in Slytherin and Harry’s response was pretty much no I don’t want that pretty clearly demonstrates non-Slytherin traits.)
On the other hand, the above doesn’t mention the hat being at all indecisive about where to put Neville. The hat wasn’t going “hmmm this is tough you’re pretty Gryffindor but you’re kind of Hufflepuff too”. It was probably more like “Yep! Gryffindor for sure!” Followed by Neville being all “No I’m totally a Hufflepuff!” and then proceeding to argue with the hat about it for almost 5 minutes. (Which when you think about it is a super Gryffindor thing to do.) By the end the hat was probably like oh my god kid you’re so Gryffindor you’re practically Godric’s heir shut up and get sorted there already!
“You’re practically Godric’s heir!”
As Neville pulls the sword of Gryffindor from the depths of the hat seven years later, the hat must have been so fucking smug. Like “oh yeah kid, this is such a Hufflepuff thing to do. Charge in with a blade and the bare basics of a plan that basically boils down to ‘I trust Harry, kill the snake.’ Helga would TOTALLY have done that. Oh wait! Did I say Helga? I MEANT GRYFFINDOR!”
a muggleborn student gets called a mudblood, so they lick their hand and wipe it on the pureblood’s face, singing “got mud on your face, you big disgrace, somebody better put you back into your place”
all the muggleborns in the vicinity immediately go *STOMP STOMP CLAP* repeatedly gettting closer and closer to the pureblood
and the pureblood’s like “holy shit is this some muggle damning ritual or something AM I GOING TO HELL I’M SORRY”
AU where the Battle of Hogwarts results in the Destruction of Hogwarts.
They evacuated more students, the older kids tasked with getting the younger out, and keeping them out, instead of fighting. Go through the tunnel to Hogsmeade, did you pass your Apparition test? Can you do Side-Along? Can you summon your broomstick? Get them away.
The teachers and Order members lure the Death Eaters deep inside, don’t turn to duel, make them chase you, turn a corner and blow the hall to bits behind you.
Harry still walks into the forest. Someone still behead Nagini with the Sword of Gryffindor, but the Sorting Hat won’t stop burning. Tim Riddle dies atop a pile of rubble.
“Should we rebuild?” the whispers ask, as spring turns to summer. “Too many curses in the stones,” the answer comes, as summer turns to fall. Perhaps the merfolk in the lake stay, perhaps they go. The centaurs remain. Most of the ghosts found other places to haunt.
The Forbidden Forest creeps over a little more of the grounds each year.
There are more schools, smaller schools. It’s hard to make large places Unplottable and the Ministry, swamped with the aftermath, finds it easier to expand a few existing hidden spots. 1st and 2nd, the introductory years, are given a handful of locations, and witches and wizards skilled in multiple disciplines hired as teachers. Parents are more easily talked into letting their young children out of their sight, so soon after the war, when their school is only a short flight away. Several set up a hall just for fireplaces, so they more skittish can Floo their children in each morning and out each afternoon.
The largest school is for 3rd, 4th, and 5th, the OWL board insisting they be kept together for a more unified curriculum. This is the closest to the Hogwarts ruins, just outside Hogsmeade, to take advantage of the still gleaming Express.
The 6th and 7th years also get their own campus, but takes years to settle. At first they use an island, but too many are spooked, reminded of Azkaban’s isolation. It’s in London briefly, wedged into a towering edifice in Diagon Alley, until something from NEWT-level Care of Magical Creatures gets loose.
Hermione Granger finally gets fed up, and gets Bill Weasley to help her and Harry do complicated things with Harry’s inheritance, wizarding-to-Muggle currency conversion, and speedy land acquisition. Shacklebolt politely pretends not to notice what they’re doing until they walk into the Ministry with a staggering mound of paperwork and ask to speak with the NEWT board, please.
As the dust settles and people start realizing that no, these aren’t temporary measures while Hogwarts is rebuilt, the new schools are here to stay, arguments bloom. What should we call them? Do we have one Board of School Governors, or multiple? How involved should the Ministry be? What about tradition?
This last always winds up meaning “what about the houses?”
The older generations can’t shake the feeling that your house is important. They grew up with fellow Gryffindors/Hufflepuffs/Ravenclaws/Slytherins! It shapes you, it tells the world who you are! You can’t just chuck that all out.
“Sure you can,” Ron Weasley says, whenever it comes up around him. “Really only mattered for Quidditch, didn’t it? You get more obsessed than that you wind up hunting down Founders’ relics to stick bits of your soul in. No thanks.”
One year at Christmas Ginny is opening presents and she opens the one from her mom. It is a much too large crimson sweater with a G on it. She holds it in her hands out in front of her. Her brothers walk in wishing her a merry Christmas all wearing theirs. George’s midriff is showing.
Kimchi and Justice 