Abled person, staring at my cane: what happened to you
Me: I’m a plot device to show you the meaning of Christmas, brenda, God bless us, every fucking one
Tag: jezunya
Okay I just finished reading Two Towers so you know what that means: time for me to drink a whole bottle of wine and liveblog the movie. If you’re not in the market for three hours of my drunk and idiotic commentary clogging your dashboard, now’s the time block this tag.
Was the first like five minutes of this movie provided by the New Zealand Tourism Board?
Boromir’s dramatic slow motion double-take is the best part of this flashback
Shoutout to Sean Astin for being the only actor in this franchise who doesn’t feel compelled to roll his Rs like he’s in a Dos Equis commercial every time he says the word “Mordor”
I should have started a running tally of how many times Frodo falls on his ass at the beginning of Fellowship
Is it just me or does Gimli have a pot leaf on the crest of his helmet?
THEY’RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD 🎶 TO ISENGARD 🎶 TO ISENGARD!!!
I’m sorry but Éomer has the sexiest armor? Like Karl Urban on a horse in red leather was the best thing that ever happened to teenage me
Gotta love how Treebeard just strides around for half the movie double-fisting hobbits like a frat star with a couple of Solo cups
Of course Gimli’s first instinct when he finds a mysterious sticky black substance on a leaf is to PUT IT IN HIS MOUTH, Jesus Gimli you’re like a toddler I swear to Numenor
Shadowfax’s majestic slo-mo entrance is basically Baywatch but with a horse
Why is Théoden such a dick in the movies? Like did the writers go “What with Orthanc and Barad-dûr there’s really not enough conflict or anything so let’s just make Théoden kind of an asshole”
The bizarre Sam-Frodo-Sméagol-Gollum love quadrangle is a hell of a lot funnier if instead of Gollum you just imagine Andy Serkis in a beige unitard
Did I ever tell you guys about that time my brother had a bunch of friends sleep over and my mom asked me to go wake them up in the morning but didn’t specify how so what I did was go down in the basement and blast that scene where the orcs all start howling and shrieking and banging their weapons on the ground outside Helm’s Deep through the surround sound system? Let me just tell you, if you’ve never watched five teenage boys who think they’re really cool literally fall out of bed in their boxers screaming in terror, it’s a memory you’ll cherish forever
Okay for some reason they also made Faramir approximately 100x more of a dickbiscuit than he is in the books, like in the books when Frodo finally admits he has the ring Faramir’s just like “Dude you literally couldn’t pay me to take that off your hands”
Ah yes, Lord of the Rings Part II, also known as Really Dramatic Shots of Viggo Mortensen Being Dirty, Riding Horses, and Opening Doors
If you really want to have a laugh, find that scene where Théoden’s bragging about his Hornberg and just watch Orlando Bloom’s face in the background because the eyebrow game is STRONG
“THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM” okay maybe not the *best* time to suddenly switch back into English
Jfc I completely forgot about Théoden’s Hamlet moment… Who am I, Gamling? WHAT am I????
Yaaassss here we go with the Olympic Orc Torch
I think skateboarding Legolas is where the creative team officially stopped caring about being taken at all seriously
The helmets on the Gondorian soldiers are so fucking stupid, like are the points on top supposed to be there so you can headbutt a bitch in a pinch?
Sometimes when I’m just out and about I like to look up at the sky and scream NAZGUUUUL just to see what people do
OH MY GOD IT’S THE LONE RANGER no wait sorry that’s just Gandalf
We’ve arrived at Frodo’s Poltergeist moment: THEY’RE HEEEEEERE
I think I missed my calling as a LOTR actor, because it flawlessly combines three things I excel at: riding horses, hitting stuff, and talking like a pretentious twat
And with that, I am done… If you’re still following me for some reason, thanks for your patience and look forward to Return of the King in a few days’ time
This is the best thing in the world oh my god
Guess who just found a Georgette Heyer audiobook read by Richard Armitage in her library’s online collection.
I think there are those reading me who would love to know that a Armitage-reading of Heyer exists, even if their own library does not have it, because they might be able to find it elsewhere, so: here you go.
Kimchi and Justice 