When I call you ‘mine’, please know that it is never out of possession.
I call you mine because your name constantly travels through every wire of my brain. I call you mine because your laugh has made itself at home in my eardrums. I call you mine because your skin occupies every taste bud on my tongue. I call you mine because your name is etched into every corner of my soul. I call you mine because you’re in so much of my heart. I just can’t get myself to think of another name for how you’ve taken over me.
It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh – interesting deliveries.
So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:
– A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.
– A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”
– At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.
– An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).
– A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.
– A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door. He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.
– A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.
– A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots. They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.
– A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.
– Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)
– A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.
– A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.
– A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us. He did the duck lips thing in every shot.
– Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)
– An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.
– A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”. He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.
– A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door. Multiple knockings were of no avail.
– A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female. She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.
– A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)
– A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose. He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.
– An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.
– A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me. It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.
– A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her. She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order. I dunno.
– An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober. When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”
– Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis
– A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.
– A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.
– A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color. I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves – everywhere.
– A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did. And perfectly, I may add.
– A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.
– An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.
– An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didn’t have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead. It took me three weeks to finish the bag.
Sushi felt like an intimidating thing to make, but once I experimented and did it a few times I realized it was one of the easiest and quickest meals to whip up (not to mention cheap)!
You can find all the stuff you need to make sushi in most grocery stores in the asian food aisle. The ingredients/tools you need are:
Sushi nori
Sushi rice (also called sticky rice)
Rice vinegar
Pickled ginger
Wasabi paste
Soy sauce
Sesame seeds (optional)
Fillings for your sushi (I like asparagus, carrot, cucumber, tofu and avocado. Shitake would be delicious too)
A bamboo sushi mat for rolling your sushi
A good sharp knife. I have a lovely Japanese carbon steel knife that my Dad brought me from Japan for Christmas, but if you don’t have the traditional knife just make sure you have a really sharp knife, otherwise you won’t be able to cut your sushi roll.
Cook your sushi rice according to the package directions. I usually make 3 cups of cooked rice, which makes about 4 sushi rolls. I use 1 cup dried rice and 1 2/3 cups of water. Make sure not to stir your rice while it’s cooking (it takes about 20 minutes). Make sure you let your rice cool to room temperature before making your sushi. Too hot and you will burn your fingers, but you also don’t want it to be chilled or it won’t stick and roll as nicely. When it is the right temperature, add one tbsp rice vinegar to the rice and mix well.
Prepare your veggies. Chop everything up into matchstick sized pieces (except asparagus, you can use that whole). Everything can be raw, but I usually like to steam my asparagus for about a minute to soften it a bit.
Make sure to press the water from your tofu for a few minutes. You can just use raw slices, I’ve tried marinating my tofu for sushi to see if it tastes better, but you can’t tell the difference.
4. Now you’re ready to assemble. Place a sheet of nori on the bamboo mat, shiny side down. Scoop a little less than 1 cup of rice into the middle of the nori. Wet your fingers in the bowl of water and flatten the rice on the sheet, leaving one inch of room at the top and bottom.
5. Lay the veggies vertically about 1/3 of the way up on the nori, making sure they are not too spread out.
6. Now you can start rolling. Roll the bottom part of the nori overtop of the veggies and press firmly down to seal them into the sushi.
7. Continue rolling a little bit at a time, pressing firmly down each time. When you have your sushi all rolled up, roll it back and forth a few times to seal in the end and make your roll circular. It’s ok if a few bits are sticking out the ends, they do this in restaurants too, it looks all artsy or whatever.
8. Now to chop. A tip to really get a good slice is to continually wet your knife, it will help slice through that nori.
And that’s it! Sprinkle with sesame seeds and serve with as much pickled ginger, wasabi and soy sauce as you want! If you precook your rice, this meal takes about 10 minutes to assemble. What could be better than fresh, homemade, cheap and quick veggie sushi? Happy nomming!
There’s almost nothing better than a big scoop of ice cream on a hot summer day.
But for someone who doesn’t eat dairy, my options are limited to sorbet. And while delicious, it can get a little boring after awhile.
The beauty of it is that making ice cream at home is a cinch. Especially dairy-free ice cream. As long as you have an ice cream maker and a few simple ingredients, in a matter of a few hours you can have a batch of ultra-creamy, decadent and delicious ice cream to enjoy.
In today’s post, we’re going to share six essential tips for making your dairy-free ice cream a home run. AND we’re going to give you the basic recipe which you can jazz up as you wish.
So let the brain-freeze party begin!
Tips for: making dairy-free ice cream
Picking a base
When you’re choosing which plant-based milk to use when you make your dairy-free ice cream, there’s isn’t a “best choice.” Really, it’s up to you; but do keep in mind that different milks will have varying effects on the end product. Here are some milks to choose from:
Full-fat coconut milk
Almond milk
Cashew milk
Rice milk
Hemp milk
Soy milk
You can decide by flavor, but also think about texture. If you want ice cream that’s ultra-creamy, silky smooth, and fairly decadent, then choosing a milk with a higher fat content – like full-fat coconut milk – is your best bet.
Since fat freezes at a different rate than water, using a higher-fat milk will result in a creamier, less icy ice cream. But at the same time, these ice creams will be quite rich and also high in fat and calories, so consider that as well.
My preference is to combine a high-fat milk with a lower fat option. I find the texture just how I like it, and the ice cream is a bit on the lighter side. I like to use a blend of coconut milk and either almond, cashew, or hemp milk as my base (mainly because I like the taste of these milks the best).
Choosing a sweetener
Next up is picking your sweetener. As with any ice cream, you have lots of options. You can go with a granulated sweetener like cane sugar or coconut/palm sugar. Or you can opt for a liquid sweetener like honey, maple syrup, or agave. Both are great options; again, it just depends on what you prefer.
If you’re opting for granulated sugar, just note that you’ll need to dissolve the sugar in the base before churning it, which means you’ll also have to chill the base for longer before being able to make your ice cream. I’ve tested both ways and like them both, but I tend to opt for maple syrup as my sweetener of choice because, hey, I’m a Vermont girl and any excuse to eat maple syrup is a win in my book.
Also, while I haven’t tested this myself, I do think that you could use stevia as a sweetener. I’d start with ½ teaspoon and increase it by 1/8 teaspoon until you find your desired sweetness level.
Eggs vs. no eggs
This is a common question I’m asked when talking about making dairy-free ice cream at home: do we add eggs or not? The answer is… it depends.
When you’re using eggs in your ice cream, you’re essentially just making a custard base which you then churn and freeze. Custards are usually on the thicker side, and have a very creamy, smooth texture.
Egg yolks are primarily fat and protein, and help keep the ice cream smooth (similar to the higher-fat milks). Egg yolks also act as an emulsifier: The proteins in the yolk bind with water and fat molecules in the milk, which results in a more stable and creamy end product. Basically, the ice cream will melt more slowly.
So again, as we did with our milk bases, the dilemma of adding or not adding eggs comes down to texture and personal preference. My best tip is to first use eggs when you’re not using high-fat milks. So if you’re making an ice cream that’s just soy milk, to get that rich, creamy texture you’re going to want egg yolks in the mix. If you’re making your ice cream with coconut milk (or even cashew cream) as the base, then you probably don’t need the eggs.
And then experiment and find what you like best.
Adding a thickener
While not a required step in the dairy-free ice cream making process, adding a thickener can help make your ice cream more creamy and help reduce the amount of ice crystals that form during the freezing process, especially if you’re not using egg yolks. Even with the higher fat ice creams using coconut milk that you see at the store, you’ll often find a thickener on the ingredients list because it helps give the ice cream wonderful creamy texture.
Since I’m not using eggs in the recipes in this post, I’ll be adding ½ teaspoon of xanthan gum to each batch of ice cream.
Flavor options
OK… now the fun part: the flavors! Making ice cream into tons of different flavors is definitely my favorite part of doing it at home. I can play around with all types of ingredients and find the combination I like most.
Here’s how to make the most common flavors:
Vanilla: blend the seeds from 1 vanilla bean pod OR 2 to 3 teaspoons of vanilla extract into the base before churning.
Chocolate: blend ¼ to ½ cup of unsweetened cocoa powder into the base before churning. The more cocoa powder, the darker chocolate the ice cream will be.
Coffee: add ¼ to ½ cup of strong brewed coffee/espresso OR a few teaspoons of instant coffee/espresso powder to the ice cream base before churning.
Strawberry: macerate the berries in lemon juice and sugar for 10 to 15 minutes, then blend them into a purée and add them to the ice cream base before churning.
Mint: either add 1 to 2 teaspoons of peppermint extract OR blend 1 bunch of fresh mint with a bit of the milk (or water) and add that to the ice cream base before churning.
I’m sure you’re starting to notice a theme here. When flavoring the base of your ice cream, do it before you begin churning. You want to be sure the ice cream base is completely smooth before churning. Check out the image above to see this process in action!
Adding extra goodies
Another fun part of making ice cream at home is adding your favorite goodies. Whether you’re a fan of chocolate chips, cookie dough, white chocolate, or any other delicious add-ins, jazzing up your ice cream is super easy.
Just pick your favorite extras, and add them to your ice cream maker when it’s got about 5 minutes left of churning. You want the base to still be somewhat soft, so all the ingredients are evenly mixed throughout; but not so soft that they fall to the bottom. I like to add any extras when the ice cream is the texture of soft serve.
Check out the image above to see the different stages that the ice cream will go through. I’m adding our delicious chocolate sprinkles to a coffee flavored ice cream!
Dairy-free ice cream recipes
And now for the recipe! The great thing about dairy-free ice cream is the base is pretty much the same for each recipe. Head on over to our Dairy-Free Ice Cream Recipe where we’ll show you the base and give you a few tasty variations for you to try, including this dark chocolate and java chip!
predicament bondage: I just painted your nails and you can’t touch anything
I’ve actually done a kink scene like this. Basically the top was stimulating and teasing me while she painted my nails and told me that i would get punished for each nail I messed up if I messed them up.
@ my trans girls who are tight on cash, this blog keeps track of online sales on clothes and makeup and it updates all the time so if you ever need to get ahold of some inexpensive makeup or clothes fast, they’ve got your back