Remember that St Nicholas was jailed and stripped of his bishopric for punching Arius in the face during the Council of Nicea, so if you get on the naughty list, he might do more than just not give you any presents.
Also, apparently the best way to get on the naughty list is to argue that Christ and God are ὁμοιούσιος (of similar substances) rather than ὁμοούσιος (of the same substance), so watch your iotas.
He’s making a list He’s checking your name To see if you think God and Christ are similar or same Santa Claus is punching in town
On the other hand nobody but historians even remember who Arius is, nor that at one point his was the demographically largest European Christianity (or why he was different), so Nick must be pretty smug right now.
Connecticut: Rich(er) White(r) People
Delaware: Exists, Allegedly
Georgia: Failed Penal Colony
New Hampshire: Massachusetts-Induced Inferiority Complex
North Carolina: South’s Carolina’s Bitch
Maryland: Catholics
Massachusetts: The Instigator
New Jersey: Everything’s Legal
New York: Fuck New Jersey
Pennsylvania: Dirty Hippy Quakers
Rhode Island: Ex-Puritans
South Carolina: Token Evil Teammate
Virginia: The Prima Donna
ok here’s some facts about my guy baron von steuben
very dubious claims of
nobility. i’m too drunk and lazy to look it up right now but i’m pretty
sure he shouldn’t have actually been called a baron
anyway he served in the prussian army under frederick the great but he was discharged because of some big gay sex scandal
he spent a while in germany but – you guessed it – got into another big gay sex scandal
eventually
he realized his best option, to avoid prosecution for all these big gay
sex scandals, was to leave europe entirely and go to america where they
had way bigger fish to fry at the moment
so he’s recruited by
the continental army, with the assistance of a letter of recommendation
from ben franklin that HUGELY exaggerates his experience, probably
unintentionally (the french title “Lieutenant General Quarters Maitre”
was mistranslated as “lieutenant general” even though it really
meant “deputy quartermaster”)
so he rolls into america – first
of all, he’s arrested at the dock because he accidentally dressed
himself and all his men in red coats and everyone thought they were
british soliders. awkward
so once that’s all worked out, he rolls
into valley forge with his whole crew – like, several aides, a chef, his
dog, the whole shebang, and he’s greeted by an army of dudes who don’t
even have matching coats and haven’t showered in 10 years. these guys
are literally using their bayonets as cooking skewers, that’s how
piss-poor an army they are. steub is like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?” he is so disgusted with them
so the steub starts devising a
bunch of drills for them to kick their ass into shape. the problem here
is, he doesn’t speak a word of english, so he generally conducts drills
by cursing at the soldiers in an incomprehensible mix of german, french,
and english, leaving his french-speaking aides (alexander hamilton and
john laurens among them) to translate for him
language barrier aside, everyone absolutely loves him. he’s such a dude. at one point in the war he holds a pantsless party, like, where you’re only allowed into the tent if you’re not wearing pants? flaming shots were served. this really happened i can source it if you want
literally america would not exist without this guy. the army was a fucking DISASTER before he showed up and taught them how to fight
anYywaY after the war he moves in with two of his aides/sugar babies, future senator william north and future state representative benjamin walker. the actual situation among these housemates is unclear but some of them were definitely banging each other. anyway, later in life he legally ADOPTS these two guys because he’s such a dedicated sugar daddy
he takes in a whole harem of hot young twinks including, at one point, john adams’ son and hercules mulligan’s son after the adamses try to break the two lovebirds up
he had no idea how to handle money and poor alexander hamilton had to manage all his finances and save him from bankruptcy lmao
a fun fact: there is ‘a pornographic biography’ of aaron burr – which was published anonymously in 1861
and yes, it gets pretty graphic
“Burr put his arm around her waist, and pressing her to his throbbing heart, applied his lips to those ivory globes which rounded up over her dress, almost to the nipples. The effect of this was instantly apparent. The warm-hearted girl sighed heavily, there was a choking sensation in her throat, and her large dark eyes were rolled up in her head with such a softness in their expression, that Burr must have been more or less than man, not to have desired a more intimate acquaintance with her. […] Burr threw up her clothes, and revealed such charms as seldom have been exposed to the light of the sun. The smooth, round belly, the voluminous yet compact thighs, the robust calf, and small foot and ankle, the satin smoothness of the skin, and other graces not to be mentioned, but whose pouting and moist freshness betokened a guarded virginity, which, however, longed for the pressure of manhood, all these so fired him with passion, that he had scarcely the necessary patience to prepare himself for the amorous encounter.”
“average person writes 3 essays a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person writes 0 essays per year. Alexander Hamilton, who lives in New York & writes over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
YUP 100% TRUE. In reality, Angelica (and I thiiiiiiink Peggy?) were already married by the time AHam rolled up and tried to hey, girl everybody in that damn household, but there is ABSOLUTELY a letter Angelica wrote to Eliza being like “c’mon dude DON’T BE SELFISH”
Bro I say this as nicely as possible YOU NEED TO LEARN MORE REVOLUTIONARY HISTORY. FOUNDING FATHERS WERE ALL NASTY AS FUCK.
Oh my fucking god. You know, that thing about the Old Romans? Divorce was no big in ancient Rome. It took Christianity rolling in to change that. They were getting divorced constantly.
Roman historians even recount shit like one dude admiring another dude’s kids and his wife’s maternal and civic virtue, and they were such huge bros that the guy and his wife got divorced so she could marry this dude, have another family with him. Then once they’d all gotten older and chilled the fuck out a little and she hit menopause, she and broheim divorced and she and her original husband got remarried and went back to living together.
This was presented as kind of an admirable thing to do on everybody’s part.
Like, this was not even Angelica being subtle about it.
Kimchi and Justice 