Barbara Tuchman says the widespread apparently juvenile behavior of medieval Europe should be considered in light of the fact that most of active society was in fact people in their teens and twenties
Which on the one hand is like one of those things that’s obvious once it’s pointed out
But also its funny to think there was a whole historians’ tradition of being like “why were medieval kings so overemotional” until Tuchman clears her throat and goes… “Ahem… Have you ever met an eighteen year old boy” and then everyone’s like “oooooh”
See also: revolutionary Boston
“Okay listen realistically I’m going to die of pox, plague, or The French Disease by the time I’m 25 if I’m not poisoned. It’s a miracle that I’m even standing here today. I’ve got a team of bishops paid to pray for my soul in shifts so I’ve got heavenly insurance in the likely occurrence I am stabbed as soon as I leave this chamber. So you know what? I’m gonna fuck shit up. The neighboring duke looked at me weird last feast day; let’s start with him.”
2000 years later: “The strange glyphs appearing on gravestones from the early 21st century onward remain a mystery. These astoundingly complex patterns (no two exactly the same) have been found on many other 21st century artifacts, and are believed to have religious significance. Recovered images suggest they were probably sacred to the ancient North American god, Apple, and were meant to ensure that the departed would continue to be financially successful in the afterlife.”
As an archaeologist I can confirm that that is pretty much exactly what will happen in the future.
if you are going to do historical inaccuracy, then go big. Just take it to a whole ‘nother level.
I mean like Knight’s Tale “chanting Queen at the jousting tournament ‘foxy lady’” levels of anachronism. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters with Hansel injecting himself with insulin and Gretel wielding a multiple-shot crossbow levels of anachronism. Go for Blazing Saddles, Blackadder, Jack of All Trades, Connecticut Yankee levels of anachronism
you either have to play by the rules or throw out the book.
Go full on Xena. All of history happened at the same time. Get your legs broken by Caesar and find out Lao Tzu didn’t write that book, his wife did, and she hitting on you…all 10 years before you go meet up with Helen at Troy. Fight with Beowulf and commission Sappho within a few months of each other. Abraham and Issac? Only like 2 years before Jesus. Invent CPR and the kite during the bronze age. Watch your gal pal teach Homer how to be a better bard. Have a fucking battle of the bands in Ancient Greece. TIME IS MEANINGLESS.
Lately, I’ve run across complaints that modern depictions of the Knights of the Round Table are too “anime” – giving them all sorts of goofy powers, and sending them on weird, over-the-top adventures.
Allow me to point out that the following are all actual things that appear in the older tales about the Knights:
Sir Kay is said to have had the power to grow to giant size, hold his breath for nine days, and radiate supernatural heat from his hands.
Sir Bedivere openly practiced sorcery, and suffered from an accordingly sinister reputation; on more than one occasion, he was saved from being hanged as a witch only by King Arthur’s testimonly to his good character.
Sir Galahad possessed supernatural strength and speed by virtue of his moral and sexual purity – making him a rare example of a male character with virginity-fueled super powers.
Sir Balin once wielded the Lance of Longinus, and blew up an entire kingdom with a single blow. He also fought an evil knight with the power of invisibility.
Sir Marrock was a freaking werewolf.
Conclusion: modern depctions of the Knights of the Round Table aren’t anime enough.
I made this post two years ago, and while it’s never really taken off, it’s still getting a small burst of additional notes every couple of months. I wonder how folks keep finding it?
Anyway, the original post is hardly exhaustive – here are a few more fun examples:
Sir Gawain (you know, the guy involved in that whole mess with the Green Knight) is described as literally solar-powered in some tales, being three times as strong at high noon as he is at daybreak.
Sir Owain’s best friend and partner in battle is a talking lion. While his tales do include a sort of “origin story” explaining how he met the lion, the fact that it can talk isn’t remarked upon – it’s just a thing.
Sir Gwrhyr is able to speak every language, including those of animals, and in some versions can transform into various animals as well.
Though Lancelot isn’t usually described as having any specific supernatural powers or tools, he’s constantly described as “perfect” by everyone who sees him – you can practically see the bishie sparkles.
(Speaking of Lancelot, it’s interesting to note that in the earlier stories, his illicit romance with Guinevere is actually part of a love triangle involving another knight named Galehaut – and the focus of that love triangle isn’t Guinevere, but Lancelot himself! Galehaut has been quietly edited out of more modern retellings for sadly obvious reasons.)
whats up nerds i found a novelized historical slash fic about lancelot and galehaut written by two medieval scholars here it is youre welcome
Galehaut is a lord (and eligible for kingship based on his holdings), not a knight, and among other gestures, he straight-up asks Lancelot to do the closest thing to marrying him that was possible with the legal system of the time, which would have made Lancelot a king. I gave a talk about this before. Unlike some things that Tumblr latches onto without evidence, this one is very much true.
Also, it wasn’t “quietly edited out”, it was specifically not in Malory’s translation, which was the only direct English “translation” of these texts for hundreds of years. It was only in the 1990s that Dr. Lacy’s team actually translated it into modern English. You can’t blame other English-language writers for excluding it, as they had no way to know about it. Malory’s version is far more of an informed retelling than an actual translation of the texts.
Here are some snippets of the Lacy translation I put online, with key points highlighted. Importantly, the easy-reading version of Galehaut’s tale is also by Lacy and crew, but is still less homoerotic than the original.
Also didn’t Lancelot once punch somebody so hard their head fell off
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN AND JOHN ADAMS ONCE HAD TO SHARE A BED IN A CROWDED INN, AND SPENT A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME ARGUING OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE WINDOW SHOULD REMAIN OPEN DURING THE NIGHT, AND WHETHER AN OPEN WINDOW WAS A HEALTHIER WAY TO SLEEP OR A SUREFIRE WAY TO GET SICK.
I wonder who was of which opinion
FRANKLIN WANTED THE WINDOW OPEN, ADAMS WANTED IT CLOSED.
I wonder who won.
FRANKLIN, BY TOTAL KNOCKOUT. HE KEPT EXPLAINING WHY FRESH AIR IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR THE BODY UNTIL ADAMS GOT BORED AND FELL ASLEEP, ALLOWING FRANKLIN TO DO AS HE PLEASED RE: THE WINDOW.
the funniest and best thing i’ve learned while doing research for this shakespeare project is that in the late 19th century, there was this group called the american acclimatization society and their thing was bringing european plants and animals to the u.s. so one member was this guy named eugene schieffelin and he was like obsessed with shakespeare, so he went, “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we tracked down EVERY SPECIES OF BIRD SHAKESPEARE EVER MENTIONED and brought them ALL to America” so he rounded up like a hundred European starlings and released them in central park, and now there are upwards of 200 million starlings in North America and they cause around $1 billion worth of damage to crops every year, all because shakespeare mentioned them exactly ONCE in Henry IV part 1
Kimchi and Justice 