THE ALBATROSS IS BACK………. AND HES FUCKING PISSED
❤ RotAM
The sky turned black, the sea turned black
The moon was lost in mist
The goddamn albatross was back
And he was fucking pissed.
Tag: lol literature
iliad au where everything is the same except every time agamemnon goes on an angry rant he prefaces it with “aga-scuse me???”
“Aga-scuse me, old man,
don’t let me catch you by our hollow ships,
sneaking back here today or later on.
Who cares about Apollo’s scarf and staff?
I’ll not release the girl to you, no, not before
she’s grown old with me in Argos, far from home,
working the loom, sharing my bed. Go away.
If you want to get home safely, don’t anger me.
It’s Agamem-non, not Agamem-oui.”[Agamemnon flips
Chryses
off. Exeunt Agamemnon, stage left.]
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” in Anglo-Saxon meter, by Philip Craig Chapman-Bell. Via Etymonline on Facebook, who says “An Internet classic; but I can no longer find it where I first found it (Cathy Ball’s Old English reference pages).”
Incipit gestis Rudolphi rangifer tarandus
Hwæt, Hrodulf readnosa hrandeor –
Næfde þæt nieten unsciende næsðyrlas!
Glitenode and gladode godlice nosgrisele.
Ða hofberendas mid huscwordum hine gehefigodon;
Nolden þa geneatas Hrodulf næftig
To gomene hraniscum geador ætsomne.
Þa in Cristesmæsseæfne stormigum clommum,
Halga Claus þæt gemunde to him maðelode:
“Neahfreond nihteage nosubeorhtende!
Min hroden hrædwæn gelæd ðu, Hrodulf!”
Ða gelufodon hira laddeor þa lyftflogan –
Wæs glædnes and gliwdream; hornede sum gegieddode
“Hwæt, Hrodulf readnosa hrandeor,
Brad springð þin blæd: breme eart þu!”Rendered literally into modern English:
Here begins the deeds of Rudolph, Tundra-Wanderer
Lo, Hrodulf the red-nosed reindeer –
That beast didn’t have unshiny nostrils!
The goodly nose-cartilage glittered and glowed.
The hoof-bearers taunted him with proud words;
The comrades wouldn’t allow wretched Hrodulf
To join the reindeer games.
Then, on Christmas Eve bound in storms
Santa Claus remembered that, spoke formally to him:
“Dear night-sighted friend, nose-bright one!
You, Hrodulf, shall lead my adorned rapid-wagon!”
Then the sky-flyers praised their lead-deer –
There was gladness and music; one of the horned ones sang
“Lo, Hrodulf the red-nosed reindeer,
Your fame spreads broadly, you are renowned!”
but did victor frankenstein actually have a phd
no one’s answered my question
THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS AN UNDERGRAD
IMAGINE HEARING ABOUT THE DUDEBRO LIVING NEXT TO U IN THE DORMS “yah dave dropped out cuz he built a fucking person”
victor frankenstein was a little bITCH and he had no degree at all, he was at college for like, a year and then he was like “lol these bitches ain’t got nothing on me” and he just got an apartment and stopped going to school so he could build a person. i don’t think he even formally dropped out, he just kind of disappeared and nobody even questioned it because that’s what you expect when some cocky asshole comes to class like “i know more than everyone in this school and one day i’m going to prove it by ending dEATH ITSELF”
fucking bullshit victor, come home and eat some goddamn soup you wussass teenager
fucking trashass motherfucker 19 year old sin machine
go get ur liver pecked by birds u mess of a human being
i am never going to let the world forget that victor frankenstein spent 90% of the novel moping instead of doing literally anything else. actual quote from emo kid victor frankenstein “my only solace was silence – deep, dark, deathlike silence” like HOW EXTRA
What poet should I fight?
the short answer is: every poet. but here’s a brief (ok, that’s a lie. this is really long) list i typed up during accounting instead of learning about accounting for inter-corporate investments
John Donne
Who wins: you
look, most of donne’s repertoire is terrible love poems or terrible poems about religion, or both. someone needs to fight him, and you’ll probably win. the only problem with fighting him is that the entire time he’ll just be thinking ‘haha, who wilt be laughing when i livest eternally in the blessed light of the Lord???’ or something so fuck him.Shakespeare
Who wins: shakespeare
shakespeare was an actor back when actor was one step up from thug, if that. if you fight shakespeare you will lose. the only things you get out of it is the knowledge that you touched shakespeare and the satisfaction of rubbing it in oxfordians’ noses just how wrong they areBasho
Who wins: who cares?
why would you fight basho? he wrote quiet gentle poems about flowers and seasons. don’t fight basho. jump back a few centuries and fight sei shonagon and she’ll put you down in her list of things that annoyed herVillon
Who wins: villon
Here’s what we know about villon: he wrote a lot of poetry (where are the snows of yesteryear??) and he did a lot of crime. i know the temptation to fight the french is strong, and the temptation to fight french poets is even stronger. but don’t fight villon. he’ll probably kill you.Dante
Who wins: you
Dante can’t even get to hell without getting virgil to help him??? dante if a self-respecting poet can’t even go to hell without a guide what self-respect can he really have (definitely fight virgil but the latin poets merit a whole other post on their own)Blake
Who wins: it’s a toss-up
Really this depends on how buff and sexy you are. not because it’ll help you take him down easier. but given from blake’s loving depictions of sexy satan, i’m pretty sure if you’re swole enough and you flex he’ll be distracted enough for you to take him down easilyAlexander Pope
Who wins: pope
I get it. Everyone wants to fight pope. the guy wrote the frickin dunciad. on the other hand: pope literally poisoned a guy, and then wrote about it, just because the guy kept publishing his poems without permission. don’t fight pope unless you’re willing to sit through days of vomiting and nausea and potential deathLord Byron
Who wins: byron
Byron also desperately needs to be fought. on the other hand: dude wanted to be an actual soldier and he fought in duels and shit, could probably take you in a fistfight. alternately if you want to take him down vicariously just read ogden nash ripping apart the destruction of sennacheribJohn Keats
Who wins: you
Don’t fight junkets. he was a gentle soul, and he died young. be kind.Wordsworth
Who wins: you
You’ll probably win this fight, considering how much time william spends thinking about flowers. on the other hand: dorothy will never invite you back for tea at their beautiful lake district home again, so is it really worth itAnne Bradstreet
Who wins: probably mistress bradstreet
PLEASE fight anne bradstreet. her poetry sucks. on the other hand, her reaction to her house burning down was to write a poem talking about how she’s totally fine with it because it’s what god wants. this is a capital P puritan we’re talking about here. there’s no way you come out on top, but someone’s gotta fight herAlfred, Lord Tennyson
Who wins: DOES IT MATTER? (you) SOMEONE FIGHT TENNYSON
reasons to fight tennyson: he’s a member of the british nobility. really that’s all you need but also i hate his poetryWalt Whitman
Who wins: you, probably
Whitman could probably take you he tried hard enough but really he’s just here to have a good timeEmily Dickinson
Who wins: you
Why would you fight emily dickinson? why would you do that? she’s shy and she likes bugs. she uses – too many – dashes – but that’s hardly a reason to pummel a galStephen Crane
Who wins: crane
crane wrote a poem about some dude in a desert taking great big bites out of his own bitter heart, so obviously hes got some repressed demons here. don’t fight stephen crane.Rainer Maria Rilke
Who wins: you, probably
Rilke was a sad dude. he suffered, and he thought a LOT of time thinking about death. i mean, i think about death a lot, and rilke almost certainly thought about death even more than i did. so you’ll probably win this fight, but at what cost?Wilfred Owen
Who wins: owen
look, owen was a fuckin soldier. don’t fight any of the WWI poets basically, they’ve all got ptsd and also lots of repressed anger at the government-bourgeoisie for sending them into battle in the first placeSylvia Plath
Who wins: no one
here’s how this goes down: you’ll probably kill plath, which was her plan all along. so she’ll be dead, and you’ll go to jail. don’t fight sylvia plath.Charles Baudelaire
Who wins: toss-up
it depends on how sober he is at the time. baudelaire was a layabout who spent his money on prostitutes and clothes and alcohol. his poetry is good, but anyone who titles anything “spleen and ideal” needs a good solid punch. pull yourself together, man!!! you have like seven STDs!!!!!!Langston Hughes
Who wins: hughes
all of langston hughes’ poetry is about how the world is terrible to him but he’s still fighting. why would you fight langston hughes?? do you have ANY degree of reading comprehension?William Carlos Williams
Who wins: you
this is just to say / i have read your poems / with the shitty sexual metaphors / forgive me / they were assigned reading in school / also your apologies suckShel Silverstein
Who wins: him
all i know about shel silverstein is from the pictures of him on the back of his books and im pretty sure they terrified all of us when we were young. his feet are SO BIG and he is SO BALD. don’t fight shel silverstein.W. B. Yeats
Who wins: you
why would you fight yeats? look, the fact that you COULD doesn’t mean you SHOULD. yeats brought the western world gitanjali, yk. if you fight him you gotta fight tagoreAlan Ginsberg
Who wins: who cares
please fight alan ginsbergRobert Frost
Who wins: you
Frost probably has some experience pummeling people but his adherence to rhyme scheme makes his moves predictable and weakTS Eliot
Who wins: does it matter?
someone needs to fight eliot. he’s had it coming. so whoever’s going to fight him, HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIMEI am reblogging this specifically for calling John Keats ‘junkets” because that’s adorable. Also yes, please fight Alan Ginsberg.
re. Basho:
flowers and seasons and butterflies and dead parents and starving abandoned children and the wind-bleached skeletons of unlucky travellers.
Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks
The Raven
There once was a girl named Lenore
And a bird and a bust and a door
And a guy with depression
And a whole lot of questions
And the bird always says “Nevermore.”Footprints in the Sand
There was a man who, at low tide
Would walk with the Lord by his side
Jesus said “Now look back;
You’ll see one set of tracks.
That’s when you got a piggy-back ride.”Response to ‘This Is Just To Say’
This note on the fridge is to say
That those ripe plums that you put away
Well, I ate them last night
They tasted all right
Plus I slept with your sister. M’kay?Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening
There once was a horse-riding chap
Who took a trip in a cold snap
He stopped in the snow
But he soon had to go:
He was miles away from a nap.Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
There was an old father of Dylan
Who was seriously, mortally illin’
“I want,” Dylan said
“You to bitch till you’re dead.
“I’ll be pissed if you kick it while chillin’.”I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud
There once was a poet named Will
Who tramped his way over a hill
And was speechless for hours
Over some stupid flowers
This was years before TV, but still.THE ONE FOR DO NOT GO GENTLE
IM CRYING
A chap from a faraway land
Said two big stone legs (topless) stand
An inscription fine
Reads “this shit’s all mine”
But all there’s to see is the sand.OMFG,
The Second Coming
The falcon flies wider in scorn
All things fall apart, or are torn
And now, what rough beast
Will arise in the East
And slouch Bethlehemward to be born?Edgar Allen Poe, “The Raven”:
Enthroned on the bust by the door,
The raven exclaims “Nevermore!”
It’s rather annoying,
For I was enjoying
My mourning for dear lost Lenore.Edgar Allen Poe, “The Bells”:
Bells are quite noisy, it’s true,
And each has a quite distinct hue,
From silver and gold
Different stories are told,
Foretelling both glory and rue.W. H. Auden, “Funeral Blues”:
Shut off the clocks and the phone,
And let no dog bark with his bone:
Let the planes overhead
Only say “he is dead”…
Now I’m sorry, there’s nobody home.T. S. Eliot, “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”:
A man can walk down on the beach
Roll his pants up and munch on a peach;
He isn’t deluded
And won’t be included
By mermaids that sing each to each.T.S. Eliot, “The Wasteland”:
You called me the hyacinth girl
When you gave sweet Shakespeare a whirl;
The city’s unreal,
And the dead men don’t feel,
So let’s let the storm warnings twirl.Lewis Carroll, “The Jabberwock”:
‘Twas mimsy out there by the wabe
And all of the momewraths out grabe.
The Jabberwock’s dead
(Some kid took off its head,
And his father said “You’re my best babe!”).Beowulf:
Terribly troubled, the Thane
Demanded defense from a Dane
For fierce in the fen
Mighty monsters maimed men
Great Grendal gave plenty of pain.William Butler Yeats, “Stolen Child”:
Come on, human kid, and let’s go,
There’s so much to see and to show.
Run off with the fae,
Hurry fast, skip away,
And you’ll never a mortal life know!John Keats, ‘La Belle Dame Sans Merci":
The sedge is all dry; spring has sped,
And the birds that once sang have all fled.
The merciless dame
Goes on making her claim
To young hunks who keep winding up dead.Lord Tennyson, “The Princess”:
The echoes keep fading away
With the splendor that ebbs with the day,
But the castle is grand
In this bright fairyland,
And there’s not that much else I can say.Christina Rossetti, “Goblin Market”:
At goblin men we mustn’t stare,
And we shouldn’t go to their Fair.
Their fruit may seem tasty,
But we can’t be hasty,
And don’t let them play with your hair!
So what I’m getting from this is that French romantic poets really identified with Leda in that they, too, wanted to fuck swans. I’m not even surprised.
Quick Guide to Potential Love Interests in French Romanticism:
-Is it alive?
-Was it alive once?
– Is it Nature?
– Is it Architecture?If the answer to any or all of these is yes, then Congratulations! There is a poem about making out with it somewhere in French Romanticism.
IMPORTANT EXCEPTION:
Is it Neoclassical and/or The Bourgeoisie? Then DO NOT LICK. Do Not! You will start wearing your collar high and dressing appropriately for your station and then all is lost.Does Gautier’s Tapestry Lady count as Once Being Alive? Or is there a separate category for Classically Themed Works of Art?
You are right and I was already regretting my incomplete questionnaire
it should really be phrased as “ if the answer to any or all of these is Yes, or, indeed, No” , there is a poem and/or you should make out with it!
I forgive myself on the point of Art only because, come on, surely you’ve already made out with the art. You don’t need to be told to do that, right? Come on, friend, DO YOU EVEN LANGUISH.
(still don’t lick the Bourgeoisie or the Neoclassical. They have Respectability Cooties.)
They really wanted to fuck The Sublime/heroin
(not heroines. they were pretty lukewarm on ladies.)
Kimchi and Justice 