Wearing a peach pit around your neck will ward off evil.
Bad witch tip: several peach pits and a sling shot will ward of everything else
worse witch tip: a few peach pits correctly distilled will produce cyanide, which should sort yer problems out nicely.
Chaotic Good, Chaotic Neutral, Chaotic Evil
Magrat, Nanny Ogg, Granny Weatherwax.
Still worse witch tip: The skulls of the people you poisoned with the cyanide can be used in spells to compel the evil you were warding off to do your bidding.
aaaand there’s Black Aliss.
Long term tip: planting a peach-tree from the peach-pit will give you peaches, which taste good, and can be used to produce social alliances within the community, and also to make peaches and cream, which is I’ve found more effective at warding off evil than anything bar salt and iron.
Plus other witches will then come to you looking for peach pits.
While we’re talking about peaches, never accept them from suspiciously pretty men with pointy smiles and self-contradictory invitations.
I don’t think it really needs saying at this point, but we have our Tiffany.
Tag: pterry would be proud
My friend told me a story he hadn’t told anyone for years. When he used to tell it years ago people would laugh and say, ‘Who’d believe that? How can that be true? That’s daft.’ So he didn’t tell it again for ages. But for some reason, last night, he knew it would be just the kind of story I would love.
When he was a kid, he said, they didn’t use the word autism, they just said ‘shy’, or ‘isn’t very good at being around strangers or lots of people.’ But that’s what he was, and is, and he doesn’t mind telling anyone. It’s just a matter of fact with him, and sometimes it makes him sound a little and act different, but that’s okay.
Anyway, when he was a kid it was the middle of the 1980s and they were still saying ‘shy’ or ‘withdrawn’ rather than ‘autistic’. He went to London with his mother to see a special screening of a new film he really loved. He must have won a competition or something, I think. Some of the details he can’t quite remember, but he thinks it must have been London they went to, and the film…! Well, the film is one of my all-time favourites, too. It’s a dark, mysterious fantasy movie. Every single frame is crammed with puppets and goblins. There are silly songs and a goblin king who wears clingy silver tights and who kidnaps a baby and this is what kickstarts the whole adventure.
It was ‘Labyrinth’, of course, and the star was David Bowie, and he was there to meet the children who had come to see this special screening.
‘I met David Bowie once,’ was the thing that my friend said, that caught my attention.
‘You did? When was this?’ I was amazed, and surprised, too, at the casual way he brought this revelation out. Almost anyone else I know would have told the tale a million times already.
He seemed surprised I would want to know, and he told me the whole thing, all out of order, and I eked the details out of him.
He told the story as if it was he’d been on an adventure back then, and he wasn’t quite allowed to tell the story. Like there was a pact, or a magic spell surrounding it. As if something profound and peculiar would occur if he broke the confidence.
It was thirty years ago and all us kids who’d loved Labyrinth then, and who still love it now, are all middle-aged. Saddest of all, the Goblin King is dead. Does the magic still exist?
I asked him what happened on his adventure.
‘I was withdrawn, more withdrawn than the other kids. We all got a signed poster. Because I was so shy, they put me in a separate room, to one side, and so I got to meet him alone. He’d heard I was shy and it was his idea. He spent thirty minutes with me.
‘He gave me this mask. This one. Look.
‘He said: ‘This is an invisible mask, you see?
‘He took it off his own face and looked around like he was scared and uncomfortable all of a sudden. He passed me his invisible mask. ‘Put it on,’ he told me. ‘It’s magic.’
‘And so I did.
‘Then he told me, ‘I always feel afraid, just the same as you. But I wear this mask every single day. And it doesn’t take the fear away, but it makes it feel a bit better. I feel brave enough then to face the whole world and all the people. And now you will, too.
‘I sat there in his magic mask, looking through the eyes at David Bowie and it was true, I did feel better.
‘Then I watched as he made another magic mask. He spun it out of thin air, out of nothing at all. He finished it and smiled and then he put it on. And he looked so relieved and pleased. He smiled at me.
‘’Now we’ve both got invisible masks. We can both see through them perfectly well and no one would know we’re even wearing them,’ he said.
‘So, I felt incredibly comfortable. It was the first time I felt safe in my whole life.
‘It was magic. He was a wizard. He was a goblin king, grinning at me.
‘I still keep the mask, of course. This is it, now. Look.’
I kept asking my friend questions, amazed by his story. I loved it and wanted all the details. How many other kids? Did they have puppets from the film there, as well? What was David Bowie wearing? I imagined him in his lilac suit from Live Aid. Or maybe he was dressed as the Goblin King in lacy ruffles and cobwebs and glitter.
What was the last thing he said to you, when you had to say goodbye?
‘David Bowie said, ‘I’m always afraid as well. But this is how you can feel brave in the world.’ And then it was over. I’ve never forgotten it. And years later I cried when I heard he had passed.’
My friend was surprised I was delighted by this tale.
‘The normal reaction is: that’s just a stupid story. Fancy believing in an invisible mask.’
But I do. I really believe in it.
And it’s the best story I’ve heard all year.
PLEASE VIMES HEADCANONS PLEASE
- cheery accidentally called him ‘dad’ once and he replied without thinking about it and then both of them silently came to the understanding that this incident would never be mentioned again
- he has at least one stupid tattoo he got as a stupid teenager. you know that one bit in Thud! about his hatred of Clues where he gives the example of a drunk 17-year-old getting a tattoo that makes people think he’s a sailor even though he can get seasick on pavement? there’s nothing hypothetical about that example
- sergeant colon is the only member of the watch who knows about it because the guy practically raised him starting in his late teens
- sybil thinks it’s cute
- he is short. childhood malnutrition will do that to a guy. but like, REALLY short.
- omnian vimes
- this isn’t even a headcanon but my favorite canon detail about him is that he lines his razor up with the Hub because he believes in folk superstition that doing that keeps it sharp? I love that so much. I love him so much
- he’s one of those people who pretty much never knows what the date is so he’s garbage at holidays and anniversaries. Sybil had to ask Sgt. Colon when his birthday was.
- total tangent but do you ever just wonder how the FUCK Nobby ended up as the quartermaster for the army of Pseudopolis????? I can’t stop thinking about this
- sometimes he goes to parties with Sybil and she manages to coax him out of whatever shadow he’s found to lurk in and dance with her. they’re both terrible at it and they have a great time, especially when people give them rude looks.
- he takes advantage of the ability to see/Know Things in the dark to creep up on people and deliver one-liners at them. what’s the point of being a boogeyman to half the world if you don’t get to be Dramatique about it
- also to sneak downstairs at night without a light and make himself the kind of sandwich that Sybil disapproves of
- but also, Young Sam is NEVER going to be able to get away with sneaking around at night? or actually anything? can you imagine having an incredibly suspicious dad who can literally always know what you’ve done in a dark room
- theres a 100% chance that Sam Vimes Arresting Anything is a meme on the Disc
- so is his list of titles
And here is the proper call for submissions for the Terry Pratchett book. Assume a fan-scholar audience: we expect original and thoughtful submissions, aware of previous scholarship and existing conversations, relatively academic and professional in tone but light on jargon and accessible to interested readers.
##
Call
For Papers: Ethics and Choice in the
Works of Terry PratchettHey, folks! We’ve seen your excellent meta and analysis, and we think you should submit it. We can’t wait to see what you write. Mind how you go.
okay hear me out:
you know those photo series that are like “In The Running For The Next Spiderman/Young Han Solo/Bachelor/Prince Eric/Property Brother”
and it’s just like nine generically handsome brunet white men that might all be Henry Cavill or might all be Matt Bomer or might all be the photogenic runner guy from 2012 for all we know but it’s impossible to tell because they are just so generic?
and you know how nobody really remembers what Moist von Lipwig (slash Albert Spangler where applicable) actually looks like, they just remember the gold hat, or the glasses, or the bountiful ear hair?
what I want is an adaptation where Moist, whenever he’s being an anonymous face or The Man in the Golden Suit or Albert Spangler, is played by a series of generically handsome brunet white men who are swapped out shot-to-shot.
I love it. @thebibliosphere
Oh my god.
Carrot: A theif
Vimes: A thief
Carrot: a theif
Vimes: I before e except after c
Carrot: a thceif
Vimes: no

My name is Vimes
And wen its nite,
and wen I tuck
yung Sam up tite
I moov the urth
to keyp my vow.
I rede the buk.Where Is My Cow?
It was said later that he came under bad influences at this stage. But the secret of the history of Edward d’Eath was that he came under no outside influences at all, unless you count all those dead kings. He just came under the influence of himself.
That’s where people get it wrong. Individuals aren’t naturally paid-up members of the human race, except biologically. They need to be bounced around by the Brownian motion of society, which is a mechanism by which human beings constantly remind one another that they are, well, human beings.
—Men at Arms
“And yet we say this. Here in this cave at the end of the world peace is made between dwarf and troll and we will march beyond the hand of Death together. For the enemy is not Troll, nor is it Dwarf, but it is the baleful, the malign, the cowardly, the vessels of hatred, those who do a bad thing and call it good. Those we fought today, but the willful fool is eternal and will say—”
“This is just a trick!” Ardent shouted.
“—say this is a trick,” Bashfullsson continued, “and so we implore: come to the caves under this valley, where you will find us sharing the peace that cannot be braken.”
—Thud!
I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED. TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE HUMANS LIVE.
“All right,” said Susan. “I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need… fantasies to make life bearable.”
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
“Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—”
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
“So we can believe the big ones?”
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
“They’re not the same at all!”
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET— Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME… SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
“Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point—”
MY POINT EXACTLY.
She tried to assemble her thoughts.
THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLION YEARS, said Death, apropos of nothing. DON’T TRY TO TELL ME THAT’S RIGHT.
“Yes, but people don’t think about that,” said Susan. Somewhere there was a bed…
CORRECT. STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE’S HARDLY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING FROZEN OR FRIED, AND YET YOU BELIEVE THAT A… A BED IS A NORMAL THING. IT IS THE MOST AMAZING TALENT.
“Talent?”
OH, YES. A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY. YOU THINK THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS.
“You make us sound mad,” said Susan. A nice warm bed…
NO. YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN’T TRUE. HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME? said Death, helping her up on to Binky.
—Hogfather
“People as things, that’s where it starts.”
“Oh, I’m sure there are worse crimes—”
“But they starts with thinking about people as things…”
—Carpe Jugulum
–
beautiful
