where are the ridiculous hamilton aus?? do you all realize the situations we can be putting the founding fathers in. hamilton coffee shop au. aaron burr, beleaguered shift leader, slides up to disgruntled new employee alexander after he’s been vicious to a customer and hisses “talk less! smile more!” in the corner, peggy schuyler throws away yet another cup with her name misspelled.
#the problem with this au is that hamilton gets fired the first day and then it’s over
“Five Hamilton AUs where Hamilton immediately gets fired” would be a great story.
what the fuck dude this is awesome i want this too now
Okay, but what about those deep sea fish that produce light at a wavelength that *only they can see.* Predators that can somehow sense you in a completely undectable and unfathomable manner to you; they might as well be psychic.
YES, EXACTLY–vision is SUCH an asspull?? Sometimes it’s “"dark”“ and we can’t see anything. And also we’re impaired for plot reasons! Sometimes ALIEN WEAPONRY or otherwise-innocuous ship components are ”“too bright”“ and we yell and try to hide, subject to some sort of obscure, tortuous imperative. The rest of the time we can UNERRINGLY tell when anyone is trying to play pranks on us, the names and emotional/physical status of EVERY SINGLE BEING IN THE ROOM (or, when outside civilized warrens, ”“line of sight”“)–and yes, of course, can’t forget about our nigh-mythical fighting arts revolving around insane dodging skills.
And SNIPING. And also, god, fuck–don’t forget about completely arbitrary “”””atmospheric disturbances””” (fog, smoke–the new “ionic interference”) ALSO plottasatically rendering our abilities moot.
Plus, some people have more powerful Vision than others, but some people have a very short effective range of Vision. However, humans have come up with devices that “change the angles of refraction” of the “light” so that the naturally impaired have their skills enhanced–but they can always be knocked off their faces or be broken.
Also some people are terrible at normal Vision work, but have excellent night vision and are skilled at working under adverse conditions.
Oooh, and human art is almost entirely Vision based. Think about non-seeing aliens trying to access the majority of human art!
IM!!! SCREAMING!!! GLASSES. Glasses are SUCH another great Weird Alien Gimmick. God–you get all used to your Human friend and their bizarre abilities, you just start to really trust in and rely on them in tight places and problem-solving a little bit, then you get fucken marooned on a fucken planetoid somewhere and they just in this very small little voice, after you have pulled them from the wreckage and sat down to go over your options, inform you that they’ve lost their glasses.
Oh my god and an episode where we’re up against Evil Humans and our heros turn to their humans like ‘you can see them, right, you can tell when they’re near? you can counter them?’ and our hero is genuinely shaken and worried— they’ve got high-tech military mechanical enhancers, the devices strapped to their heads let them see anywhere, they can operate in near-absolute ‘darkness’, they can operate in near-lethal ‘brightness’, they can see through walls— not doors, not glass, but walls.
Then we have a heroic scene where the crew’s human is the scrappy, desperate underdog for once instead of the cool and collected superbeing. It is super cool. The human and the captain probably mack wildly on one another in medbay after this. Roll credits.
Person 1: I dunno, dude. This ‘light’ stuff sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to me. I mean, how do we know it’s even real?
Person 2: Seriously, how can something be a wave and a particle? That doesn’t even make sense.
Mysterious Human: Even if you cannot perceive the light, you can feel its warmth–
Person 1: Oh my god, please shut it with the mystical hoo-hah. You’re insufferable.
Mysterious, somewhat exasperated Human: the ‘light’ enters the sensitive paired apertures in our faces, passing through biological lenses and chambers to stimulate specific nerves we call ‘rods’ and ‘cones’. one set of nerves tells us the volume of light we’re perceiving, while the other estimates the wavelength frequency. the total input creates in our mind a continuous sonarscape of immense complexity, where we can perceive ‘textures’ that are impossible to understand with mere sound or touch. this is why my people’s communication devices are small, flat, silent boards: we ‘read’ the patterns of light they emit as language and ‘watch’ the patterns of light they emit as sonarscapes.
Captain: okay…. sounds fake, but okay…
And they just keep on making up new bullshit rules for how light works, like
Navigator: Warp drive engaged. We are approaching 90% of the Lorentz limit.
Human: What now?
Navigator: Oh, uh, it’s really complex, but lemme try. So, matter can only move so fast through space, right? Like absolutely, nothing can ever ever possibly go faster than like about 3 hundred million meters per second–
Human: Ah yes. The speed of light.
Navigator: …oh for fuck’s sake.
Captain: My god! Time! Has… frozen!
Human: Fuuuuuuuuck.
Captain: What?
Human: Remember how light is a wave and a particle?
Captain: Yes, we mention this every episode.
Human: Yeah, light’s frozen along with everything else. I can’t see shit.
Captain: My god! Our sonar doesn’t work either! The soundwaves— they can’t propagate through this frozen air! We’ll have to use just our whiskers!
Human: Fuuuuuuuuck.
The fanfiction for this show has to be amazing.
“Shh. Don’t try to hide your needs, Captain,” Hue Mann soothed. “My sight has told me all about your traumatic memories of the war.”
“What?” Captain gasped. “But…how…?”
“The light knows all,” explained Hue. “Time slows down at the speed of light. It sees all of the past..and all of the future.”
“And what is it telling you now?” questioned the Captain.
Hue leaned in close. “It tells me, ‘Mate with them now, you lovestruck fool!”
“Damn you, Hue Mann. Damn you and your penetrating ‘eyes.’”
“Oh,” breathed Hue, voice husky and sexual. “That’s not all my eyes can…penetrate.”
baby dragons that sleep in your fireplace and roll about in the soot and the ash trying to get comfortable on burning logs, screeching loudly whenever people walk by or when more logs need to be added to its roost and not stopping until content again
baby dragons with wings that are disproportionate to their bodies until older but nonetheless stubbornly trying to pick themselves up off the ground by running and aggressively flapping and managing to only get a few feet off the ground for a few seconds before crash landing
baby dragons that haven’t been exposed to priceless things such as gems and gold pieces and instead infatuate themselves with other unusual shiny things — like silverware, brass clocks, instruments, and pots and pans
baby dragons who get cold in the winter and crawl up into their caretaker’s clothing (almost always while said clothing is being worn) and curl up as tight as possible and begin to make sounds similar to content purring as they sleep
baby dragons making whiny hungry bird noises until they’re fed
baby dragons being afraid of the family cat for a while until after a few days the cat wanders up to the sleeping pile of scales and fire and curling around them for a nap in the sunshine
baby dragons stealing the shiny car keys and chewing on them
baby dragons gently nibbling on the jewelry of their favorite people- and not so gently with people they don’t like
baby dragons blowing tiny puffs of smoke out their noses when they snore
baby dragons using the cat’s scratching post
baby dragons wearing tiny saddles with knight-in-shining-armour action figures riding on their backs
baby dragons roasting mini marshmallows mid-air when you toss them before eating them
baby dragons hiding on top of bookshelves and cabinets when they don’t want to go to the vet
I want an inverse spy flick. The spy is a woman. Her whole team is made up of diverse women. All the villains are women. There is only one man in the entire movie and he is a Strong Male Character who is like 25 and decently ripped and has a scene where he slowly steps out of a pool wearing speedos because he is Confident and In Control of His Sexuality. We see his ass when he has to tug down his pants to get at the knife strapped to his thigh. His nipples are always erect for no fucking reason.
They are undercover in a nightclub. In order to keep their cover from being blown, he has to kiss another man.
He knits to relieve stress and to keep his mind sharp. It is never discussed by any of the characters.
Someone asks him how he knows how to do Traditionally Feminine Thing. “I have four sisters,” he answers.
This is also how he knows how to fight while armed with nothing but a purse, a high heel shoe, and a can of hair spray. During this fight, he is, for no apparent reason, shirtless.
In every single action scene he’s in, the Strong Male Character ends up with ripped clothes, somehow; artfully revealing sculpted chest, abs, thigh(s), or arse, or maybe some combo of these. There’s usually a moderately flimsy reason, depending on how the plot’s going.
Conversely, all the female spies are always cool and perfect, almost never a smudge, rip, or hair out of place, except for some aesthetically-placed minor wound that doesn’t really affect their performance in the slightest.
And he’s played by Matt Bomer.
Advice to the witch children:
1. Step softly.
2. Coat your words in honey, but keep your nails as claws.
3. Listen to the ghosts.
4. Carry always a bird in your chest and a lion in your head.
5. Know that age is not wisdom, and there is as much to be learned from trees as from the books they become.
6. You are not born with a family. Make one.
7. Remember that a thing does not need purpose to have beauty.
8. Do not allow yourself to become chained to logic and order.
9. Revel in chaos, then bend it to your will.
10. Use your wide eyes for watching, your rabbit feet for running, your small size for slipping away unseen.
11. Let them underestimate you.
12. When you open your mouth and frogs leap out, do not be ashamed.
13. You are the changeling children, magic born into small bodies with untried hearts.
Do not waste them.
imagine that you’ve been stood up by your douche of a boyfriend on date night and the waitress keeps asking if you’re ready to order but you keep asking for more time hoping that he’s just late. people are starting to look at you with those apologetic looks like they know and you start to feel worse and worse about the whole situation but as you decide to just get up and leave, this boy you’ve never seen sits down explaining loudly “sorry i’m so late, babe, traffic is crazy right now.” and he quietly adds, “i’m Michael. just go with it, yeah? whoever didn’t bother to show up is a dick.” and so you do go with it because he’s being sweet and trying to save you (and plus he’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen) and as you’re leaving the restaurant after the best non-planned date ever, he asks you out for real this time.
A sorcerer with a speech impediment summons a demon with similar verbal difficulties. Anger and animosity over being brought into this world softens and an unlikely relationship is formed. Hand sigils and sign language are used to communicate when tongues fail.
A skeleton wanders in the forest, swearing as it gets tangled in low hanging branches. In times of rain, it relishes the clean feeling as water scrubs it outside-in. It is occasionally chased by hungry wolves.
A sentient cottage cares for a heartbroken witch. Shadowy hands remove her hat and hang it on a peg by the door. They dry her cheeks, fix her a meal. A fire blazes welcomingly in the hearth and a grimore is set in a chair. Blankets are fetched. All she need do is sit, and read, and mend.
A pair of socks, mended by eldritch forces, gain sentience (though fortunately lack the ability to smell). With practice, they are able to shift their design and color. Throughout the ages, they witness the rise and fall of countless empires. Occasionally one gets lost in the laundry, causing the other to inspire grand acts of villainy and heroism to search out it’s lost partner.
Kimchi and Justice 