My favorite part about 1931 Dracula is that there are armadillos running around Dracula’s castle.
Look at this it’s like they couldn’t find any rats so they just were like “eh close enough no one will notice”. But I noticed. I noticed.
“WE NAILED IT BOYS”
Apparently in the 20s and 30s, armadillos weren’t very commonly known, so moviemakers would use them wherever they needed some creepy, ‘demonic’ animal running around. So there were a lot of armadillos in early filmmaking, and it was often people’s only source of reference for armadillos.
Fast forward twenty years to when the father of the biology professor who told me this is driving out from the east coast to see his son in California. Crossing the southwest at night.
An armadillo runs across the road.
He comes to a screeching halt and the Thing Of Evil, which he never knew was actually a real animal, trots the rest of the way across the road and vanishes into the desert.
Apparently it shook him up rather a bit.
The post got better.
How are you gonna make this post and not mention the inexplicable bee coffin
Concept: the Grail Quest retold from the perspective of the Knights of the Round Table’s support staff.
(For context, in real life, your average “knight in shining armour” was incredibly high maintenance, and required an average of 4-6 support staff following him around 24/7 just to carry his stuff, take care of his horses – he’d have up to three – and keep his equipment clean and in good repair. So whenever you read a story about half-dozen questing knights gallivanting about having adventures, there’s a totally unmentioned group of 24-36 additional people trailing around behind them.)
I thought the whole “inconsistently appearing servants/minstrels/monks/army” bit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail was just a continuity error joke until I actually read Le Morte d’Arthur.
Yeah,
Schrödinger’s
servants have a very distinguished pedigree in the genre; whether the Knights are traveling alone or with a realistic contingent of followers tends to vary not only from story to story, but from scene to scene within a single story, depending on what would be most dramatically convenient.
I feel like the narrator should be the little person who seemed to be part of every Knight’s retinue. So many knights (and ladies in distress) in Mallory had ‘A dwarf’ following them around that I’ve seen people who think that means D&D/Tolkien style fantasy dwarf as opposed to “Short human who is increasingly tired of having to handhold his knightly charge through the thinkier parts of quests”
It’s one of the conceits in D&D that your warrior/paladin in full plate armor on a horse and with a full set of gear doesn’t have a gaggle of servants following them around, and only takes a few minutes to get in and out of their armor. But I guess it would be inconvenient to go dungeon crawling with 30 people following around a 6-person party.
To be fair, the earlier iterations of the game did have that assumption. It got dropped later on because your retinue would generally wait outside the dungeon, so keeping track of them added a lot of fiddly bookkeeping for something that had little substantive effect on gameplay.
“Right, so in the valley leading up to the Castle Dire, there’s the usual follower’s temporary village.”
“My cleric looks over the area to see how it’s organized.”
“Quite well, actually – it looks like some of the retinues have been here a while.”
“Define ‘a while’, please?”
“Most have been here during the questing season, but there’s a few who have weather-tight buildings. The kids playing in front of the largest house are about three to five years old.”
“My cleric packs his shit and goes back to the order.”
I’d like to add that three horses was actually the *minimum* for a properly equipped knight. One for battle, one to ride when not in battle or expecting trouble, and one to carry all the stuff. Five horses was apparently the standard, with one for war, two for riding, and two pack horses. Some documents reference as many as 24 horses for a single knight.
This was all for one dude, mind you. The squires would have their own riding and pack horses, and maybe a warhorse too. So would the men-at-arms, and maybe some of the more important servants would have riding horses too. Add some mules and donkeys to carry all the stuff they need. One knight plus squires plus servants plus men-at-arms and you’re looking at a cavalry pool of 15 – 20 horses, just for one knight with a small, six man retinue.
When we talk about consent, we don’t talk a lot about how consent changes in a relationship. People who have been partnered for 20 years sure as heck don’t negotiate sex and intimacy the same way that people who have met just do, and it would be ridiculous to suggest that they should. As our relationships change, we can use consent activities to build a structure that lets us make assumptions about what the other person wants.
So consent castles are pretty much my favourite thing. It’s how I talk about consent as being the root of a stable, trusting relationship. I like consent castles because they make consent a collaborative exercise – you have to build it together, and then you can live in a giant, beautiful (kinky/cuddly/furry/whatever) castle together. Who doesn’t want a great castle?
I love this! I wanna add that the foundation of your consent castle is everyone feeling/being safe enough to say “no”. The reason long-together people can skip some parts of consent conversations before engaging is that they’ve already made it okay for somone to initiate an ordinary routine and then be told, “nah, I don’t want to today” without it being A Big Scary Deal for everyone.
Even if you’ve gotten pretty good at knowing what your partner likes, there will be times when you think they’re interested but they’re not, and while asking if you’re unsure is still always the best way, in a well-built consent castle your partner can say “nah” and you can both go about your day without either of you falling apart.
One thing I keep forgetting to post about is that Sci, Knotta, our Shadowy Third, and myself played the card game “Slash” yesterday evening after Pizza Dinner. Slash is a game like Apples to Apples or Cards Against Humanity, where you lay down a card with a character name on it and then everyone draws from the cards in their hands to offer the best (or worst) possible pairing for that character.
The finest from last night was Chewbacca/Bugs Bunny. Just picture Bugs in his finest bonnet, climbing Chewbacca like a tree.
Anyway, I suggested one important innovation I wanted to share, which is *drumroll*
THE ORGY ROUND.
After every player has had a turn as the “dealer” you have the Orgy Round, where nobody draws a character but we all lay down a character card from our hand that we just want to get rid of. Then as a group we determine who had the best time at the resulting orgy, and that person gets all four cards.
The Orgy Round not only can change the course of the game, because you get to take all four cards, but it makes the play move a little faster and it means you spend less time holding cards you don’t like. I strongly suggest an Orgy Round for any Apples-to-Apples style game, because it’s loltastic.
There’s a seriously delightful conversation in one of the LARP fb groups about adventuring over 40. Many of us aren’t 20 anymore, and it seems silly to have our characters not be our own age (or close to it). But they’re still starting characters (as it’s a new campaign), which implies they chose this path recently.
That thread is mostly joking around, but I kind of love the idea of hearing The Call when you’re not a teenager, and starting your in-game adventuring life later as some kind of mid-life crisis, religious epiphany, empty nest reaction, etc.
Which got me to some ficlets, and here’s the result.
—
“Well, your mother always wanted to be an adventurer – she was a hell of an archer when we were your age – but we got pregnant, and your grandmother needed some help, so we put that life off for a while. But now that you’re off at university, it seems like a good time to pick up the bow again, and go fight evil.“
—
“There was just something missing, y’know? I mean, I liked being a toymaker, but one day I realized – I really wanted to put on some plate mail, and go fight demons. So here I am, livin’ the dream.“
—
“Sometimes, relationships don’t work out. She got the business, I get to start the life of adventure I’ve always wanted. Did you know I minored in alchemy? It’s good to get back into it again.”
—
“Your Aunt Maribel and I had always talked about doing this, when we were girls, but it just never seemed like the right time. But now that Uncle Haro has passed…Mari just wants to get out there and do it. I can’t let her go alone, can I? Someone has to watch her flank on the line, and remind her to keep her shield up.“
—
“What can I say? Sometimes you fall in love with a mage. When you do, you grab your hammer and you go where he goes. Someone has to keep cute Dukes from flirting with him. Back off, gentry! He’s all mine.”
“Kevin, you’re being ridiculous. I’m not going to fall in love with some Duke.”
“Whatever. I’m not taking any chances. It took me this long to find you, and I’m not letting you go without me.”
—
“I’m your Dad. If you’re going to go and fight evil, I’m going with you, ‘cause I support your choices.”
—
“Er…Mom’s heading off to check out some evil gate she heard about. Someone needs to go with her, ok? I squired for her last time, but I just can’t right now. It’s your turn. Make sure she does her exercises, ok? Her back is going to be horrid if she doesn’t.“
“Fine. I’ll handle the evil gate with Mom. But the next time she heads into the swamps to fight some lizard thing, you’re doing it. I freaking hate swamps.”
—
“His husband left him for an elf. He’s got some anger issues that he’s working through, ok? Better that he work through it on some bad guys.”
—
“What was that?” “Undead again.” “Oh, for the love of..look. They’re a freaking plague, and it’s getting worse. If we don’t want to keep dealing with this, we’re just going to have to go to the source.” “But….the carrots…!” “Hang the damned carrots. I’ll hire that nice boy down the street to take care of our field while we’re gone. Clean yourself up and grab your holy symbol. We’re not putting up with this for one more week.”
—
“Well, I always wanted to see the world. I got a small inheritance recently, and thought, why the heck not? No time like the present, right?”
—
“If that Sorcerer thinks he can just waltz in here and take over this town, he’s got another think coming!” “Doris, calm down. We’ll write to the King, and…” “I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. Sally, I swear, you drive me nuts sometimes.” “I’m just saying – there’s diplomatic solutions to this.” “The hell with diplomatic solutions! I WILL END HIM. ” “Fiiiiiine. Do it your way. End him with fire.” “Thank you!” *smooches* “Love you. Back when I’m back. He has NO IDEA who is coming for him.”
—
“What can I say? Adventuring pays the bills. I have a family to support, and turnip farming doesn’t make money like it used to.”
—
“Hey Phineas – for guys’ night, I have a thought. Rather than just going down to the pub like we usually do…I found a gate. No idea where it leads. Let’s go check it out. Could be fun, right?” “A gate?” “Yeah!” “This is a terrible idea. I’m in.”
—
“Um….well, this is awkward. You know that Goddess who spoke to me last spring?” “Oh yeah! Your whole conversion thing. Nice to see you found faith. It’s been good for you, I think.” “Well, she has something she wants me to take care of.” “What, like…a message delivered or something?” “Noooooooo?” “Seriously? You’re a florist. What does she want you to do?” “Well, now when I sing, things blow up. That’s good, right?” “This can’t end well.”
—
“We left for THREE WEEKS, and Barbarians razed our village. I swear, do I have to do everything myself? I JUST RE-DID THE ROOF, YOU JERKS.”
—
“He doesn’t think our family is good enough for him? I’ll show him who is good enough for him! My little girl is going to live in a castle, even if I have to conquer it myself!” “I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way.” “We’ll see what he has to say when I walk into Summertide with a demon’s head on a spike! Who’s good enough now, you two-bit merchant?!?”
—
“Your Aunt recently found out that Throgg the Destroyer is that brat she couldn’t stand at the Academy. She’s not taking it well, so we’re going to be off on a trip for a while…”
—
“So….funny story. You know that favor I owe the Countess? From like 20 years ago? She finally called it in. She remembered that I’m really good with Ancient Runes, and apparently there’s something she needs checked out.”
—
“I thought you said this adventuring thing was just a hobby, Brianna. Something we did on the weekends.” “Well, but…y’know…I really like it. I think I could be good at it. I’m getting better with the spear, you know?” “I don’t even know you anymore!” “Can’t you just be supportive?” “Well, but where does it end? First hobgoblins, now orcs…what’s next?” “I heard about this cursed tomb…” “Absolutely not. I draw the line at tombs. NO TOMBS.”
—
“I told you not to date that vampire. Didn’t I tell you? I told you!” “Let me live, Sergio.” “Let me unlive, you mean.” “Ok, that’s just rude.”
—
“Oh, sure – one good healing spell, and you think you can conquer the world.” “I can! I have the knees of a teenager again!”
—
“Grandpa, you’re embarrassing me.” “What, I can’t visit my grandson while he’s adventuring?” “Well, I love having you here, and everyone knows you’re a good healer, but…” “I’ll be fine. I like it here. I think I’ll stay.”
—
“C’mon, let’s do it. We’ve always wanted to.” “But…we don’t know what we’re doing.” “We do! We’ve each read The Book, what….15 times? I know you basically have it committed to memory.” “I don’t think ‘To Catch a Rogue Lord’ was really meant as an instruction manual.” “C’mon…how hard can it be? You’ve seen the adventurers who come through here.” “Excellent point. I’ll get my herbs.”
—
“Honey? There’s a kid at the door. He says you’re the Chosen One.” “Arrrrgh. We talked about this! Come back later!” “He says the stars are aligned?” “Not doing it! Tell him to go away.” “Oh, and the seal broke. The seal broke, Stephen. It sounds important.” “But…” “I’ll pack you a lunch.”
“Call Sharon. She and her stupid birthmark are coming with me.” “I thought you said that translation of the prophecy was incorrect? Something about a miss-translation of verb.” “…well, at least if we fail, I won’t have to listen to Karl talking at Guild Meetings about how he was right.”
these are perfect and everything is perfect and nothing hurts
SPACE GUY 1: We gotta shoot the enemy mans SPACE GUY 2: Yeah lets do it let me grab my Cool Gun
hard sci-fi
SPACE GUY 1: Sir we just saw the enemy mans’ bigbad fleet leave orbit through our telescopes. What do we do? SPACE GUY 2: Johnson my man… let me tell you about my days in the Space War of 26669. Now the Badguys, they were pounding us hard with their Weapons. But then we figured something out. Something that’d read like an extremely basic exploitation of an obvious trick of high school physics, or a page of strategy adapted from the Wikipedia articles on United States military tactics. Humans climbed trees when we were monkeys because we dreamed about flying in space and we were born to own every planet in the universe. Let me tell you about Ron Paul and why our space station runs on the gold standard.
All-seeing toothbrush: +2 WIS and INT, +5 to perception checks, -2 DEX Once per day, user gains the ability to gaze into the void (20% chance of the void gazing back.)
Kimchi and Justice 