How do you
in Nonnyland? Here we are having a very hot and uncomfortable summer, but thankfully
in the last few days we have been blessed with a delicious cool breeze.
It pains me
to see you so concerned about Miss Swift’s reputation. How immensely thoughtful you are to take such pains in
enquiring about a young lady that is merely a passing acquaintance of yours.
But fear
not, my friend, because I can assure you that the situation is not as dire as
it sounds. It’s true that a few weeks ago, when we first learned that Ms. Swift
had eloped with Mr. Hiddleston, we all believed they were going straight to Gretna Green to get married.
We later knew that their travels had taken them elsewhere, and our concern for
Miss Swift’s safety grew every passing day.
However, I happen
to know now from very reputable sources that Miss Swift’s family and friends
are taking every possible measure to see this situation arranged without delay. In fact, as I write to
you Mr. Swift has send a relative of his entire confidence to London, in search
of Miss Swift and Mr. Hiddleston; and this relative has promised he will not
return until he has seen them properly married.
I can
confide in you, my dear Miss Nonny, that I have the firm conviction that the
issue will be resolved soon in the most satisfactory way. After all, Miss Swift
is a very accomplished young lady: not only is she sufficiently beautiful, sweet
and sensible; she has also had the benefit of a good education, being well
versed in all the arts, but especially in music, singing and dancing. And let
us not forget that she has an income of seventy million a year, and very likely
more! Any young man, from London or from the countryside, would call himself
lucky to join in matrimony a young lady of such excellent prospects.
But perhaps
your concern on the matter comes from your mistrust of Mr. Hiddleston’s
character. To this I must again answer you with reassuring words. Although I
don’t have the pleasure of being acquainted with the gentleman in person, every
report I’ve had of him and his family has been impeccable. In case you haven’t
heard it already, I must let you know that the young man attended Eton College in
his youth; and then Cambridge University, where he became greatly versed in the
Classics. Besides, he has a sizeable income of his own, which dispels those alarming
rumours of him being a fortune hunter that some uncouth people have been
spreading all around the country. All of his acquaintances speak wonders of his
gentle humour and amiable character, and I have to say that he would be the
last man in England of whom I would expect a villainy of any kind.
Undoubtedly,
a gentleman of such high character and respectability would never have the
audacity of taking a lady away from her friends and family without the
intention of making her his wife. Under this circumstances the elopement can
only be due to a moment of foolishness and, I dare say, an excess of passion, that I am sure will be placated as soon as they
are properly joined in Holy Matrimony.
I sincerely
hope this letter will find you well, and I expect it will also quench all your
fears. I will pass your kind regards to Mrs. Swift, who, despite being justly concerned
about her daughter’s welfare and respectability, shares with me and with all of
her friends the undying hope that this unfortunate
adventure will end very soon in the most satisfactory way.
You must
promise to visit the next time you’re in Spain. I trust that the situation will be
resolved by then and we will be able to raise a glass to the health of the
newly married couple.
My duty to
all your family, and especially to your dear aunt Mrs. Incognito.
Ever your
friend, Violet
Hunter.
Madrid, July
14th, year of Our Lord 1816.
This, my friends, is the most epic anon hate smackdown I’ve ever read.
So one day, there’s an accident. It’s Reed Richards’s fault.
Insurance!Bucky doesn’t really know the guy, except that the inter-dimensional
shit his team messes around with tends to cause a lot of trouble. Also, Bucky
isn’t sure what Dr. Doom’s insurance is like, but he knows that masks you
have to wear all the time are no fun, so maybe Bucky should send some pamphlets
or something over there.
Stark tells Bucky that Dr. Doom is a villain when Bucky
mentions it. Bucky has opinions about that kind of shit. He sharpens his knives
meaningfully in the common room until Stark goes away.
Bucky’s been sharpening his knives a lot recently.
Here’s the skinny: Richards decided to have a real good
idea. This led to a lot of things, but the important part for this story is
that suddenly, there were three Buckys in the tower. There had been for over a
week now, and nobody was really close to sending everybody back home again. It had only been in the last couple of days that anyone (Steve) has persuaded any of
the Buckys to stop hiding in various locations and attempting to kill one
another for the good of team.
Bucky thinks his response to this situation is perfectly normal. He was the goddamn
Winter Soldier. He’s only barely not
the Winter Soldier most of the time. There’s no version of him that isn’t
dangerous, unless a young Bucky Barnes from 1938 suddenly appears and tries to
fucking dance his way into everyone’s good graces. In which case probably Bucky will try to kill
him just so the kid doesn’t have such a shit future in store.
Anyway. It takes a few days, the intervention of Thor twice,
Barton being an annoying bastard once, and Steve spending all his time looking a
combination of depressed and overwhelmed any time he saw any of the Buckys, but
they finally figure out that maybe all of them are in the later part of their
murderous timelines. Then it’s just a matter of staying out of each other’s ways.
Bucky—the real Bucky—is obviously the best of the lot. He
contributes. He doesn’t mope around like the Bucky with the missing arm and the
notebook where he writes, like, poetry or whatever. He also doesn’t spend
all his time in the kitchen like the Bucky who talks to himself and doesn’t
clean his weapons enough.
Bucky, because he is awesome, drops a square of folded paper
onto mopey!Bucky from the airduct. It’s a pamphlet. It has Stark’s new
prosthesis program highlighted on it. Mopey!Bucky looks at it, but he stays
mopey, because apparently being in Bucky’s excellent universe full of medical
benefits for veterans is just too depressing for words. Mopey!Bucky goes back
to writing, his notebook propped on his knee while he makes loops of letters
that, admittedly, look closer to how Bucky’s handwriting used to be than it
does now.
Baking!Bucky is a weirdo. He cooks. He spends a lot of time
staring at Steve. The real Bucky is completely aware that Steve is a mook with
an uncomfortable wombat obsession, but maybe baking!Bucky is earlier in his
timeline than him. Maybe he’s not used to seeing Steve around. Bucky spends
some quality time taking pictures of Steve asleep and snoring in his room, and
then has JARVIS send them to baking!Bucky’s phone. Then Bucky makes an
appointment for Steve to see an otolaryngologist, because he fucking can these
days.
It so happens that one day Bucky is in the corner of the
common room reading up on Britain’s National Health Service and how it compares to the system Latveria has in place, and baking!Bucky
steps through the door. They both freeze. Then baking!Bucky, with apparently
some effort, says, “Steve?”
Bucky makes a face. “Mission,” he says back.
Baking!Bucky mutters darkly to himself, stomps
around the counter that separates the common room from the group kitchen, and
starts pulling shit off the shelves. Oh good. Not weird at all.
Bucky goes back to reading about insurance.
Shortly afterward, however, mopey!Bucky comes into the room.
He always wears a lot of white, and he’s carrying his damned notebook and also,
notably, he still has no arm. Bucky wonders if in mopey!Bucky’s universe, Steve
gave up all his self-sacrificing martyrdom and heaped it onto mopey!Bucky. It
would make sense. Except for the part where it’s impossible to imagine Steve
not being self-sacrificing in any universe, so maybe mopey!Bucky’s universe is
just shitty.
Mopey!Bucky stops in the doorway, and frowns at the two
other Buckys already occupying the space. Then he visibly loosens his stance
and goes to sit on the couch. In sightline with the other Buckys.
Actually, they’ve all got a good eye on each other. And – hey,
it looks like they all have stilettos
in their hair.
This time it’s mopey!Bucky who says, “Steve?”
Bucky and baking!Bucky say, “Mission” at the same time, in
identical tones of disgruntlement, and mopey!Bucky frowns.
“And he didn’t take any of us?”
Bucky points at mopey!Bucky. “No arm.” He points at
baking!Bucky. “No appreciable skills outside of baking.” He hesitates and then
jerks his chin up. “No security clearance.”
Baking!Bucky frowns heavily. “What.”
Mopey!Bucky also frowns, though it looks a bit more tired.
“I only need one arm.”
“Are you saying we can’t protect Steve,” baking!Bucky says.
He has flour on his hands, for christ’s sake. Then he follows that up by
saying, “It’s not like you’re some great mission-assist, buddy. ‘Security
clearance,’ my ass.”
Bucky narrows his eyes. Baking!Bucky narrows his eyes.
Mopey!Bucky, apparently wanting to be a goddamn individual, rolls his eyes.
Then he throws his notebook.
It spins as tight as a knife at baking!Bucky, who instantly
plucks up the bag of flour on the counter and deflects it. The bag bursts, and
a white cloud springs out, momentarily blinding that entire area of the kitchen.
Mopey!Bucky doesn’t press the advantage, though – he vaults over the back
of the couch out of Bucky’s sight, which is just great, because it means that
Bucky’s not exactly sure where mopey!Bucky is until a stiletto comes flying out
from the left, aimed at Bucky’s damn head.
Bucky lifts his reading material and the knife pierces it
instead of Bucky’s face. He yanks it and the stiletto in his own hair out just
in time to turn to baking!Bucky, who’s apparently taking this opportunity to charge in his
direction. Bucky expects yet another knife, but baking!Bucky just kicks him
center-mass, the way Steve would if he was playing around instead of going for
the kill.
(This is probably because Steve is a pushover, and also,
Bucky should be concentrating on this mess instead of thinking about Steve’s
sloppy training regimen.)
Bucky crashes against the wall and bounces off it, avoiding
the knife that baking!Bucky has finally brought to the party, and uses his
momentum to run over and knock the couch backward. Disappointingly, mopey!Bucky
is no longer behind it. Where he is
becomes immediately apparent when a bare foot sweeps Bucky’s legs out from
under him. Mopey!Bucky is looking grimly determined as he flips Bucky over and
gets his arm around Bucky’s neck, pulling it back into a sleeper hold.
Bucky’s in the middle of planning his defense—basically
involving having two arms, because seriously, this is just a minor setback—when
he feels mopey!Bucky tense and then loosen a little bit. Behind them,
baking!Bucky’s voice says, “It is mission-noncompliant to upset Rogers. But I
swear to god, you’re both annoying enough to risk it.”
Bucky risks turning his head slightly in the looser grip,
and sees baking!Bucky holding his knife against mopey!Bucky’s throat, his other arm
gripping him by the midsection.
Which, hey, is an excellent opportunity for Bucky to buck
them both off, twist in place and land with his knees in both their guts. Awesome.He
still has his two knives, so–
Oh.
During the flip, mopey!Bucky apparently used his stealthy
meat hand to relieve Bucky of one of the stilettos. Baking!Bucky still has his
own. There are now three Buckys in various positions of deadly tetchiness, each with
a knife and each ready to make their skill sets very apparent.
This is the scene Sam walks into.
“Flying Sam,” says baking!Bucky. He hasn’t blinked since
they formed the murder pretzel. “Tell them that I’m more than capable of protecting
Rogers.”
Bucky just says, “Sam,” and assumes that the point will be
made.
Mopey!Bucky exhales noisily and doesn’t say anything at all.
Sam looks at them. Then he looks at the kitchen, the couch,
the dents in the wall, the flour generously coating everything and the various destroyed paper ephemera.
“I do not
deserve this,” Sam says.
This may or may not be accurate, depending on your universe.
The Buckys end up holding position until Steve gets back and spends
about an hour being thoroughly disappointed in all of them.
okay, listen for a sec. We all know the “”“"American”“”“” Harry Potter universe houses are trash for many, many reasons. One of the reasons is that America is too big to have just one wizarding school where there are only 4 houses, right? so I propose that we in MA instead start sorting ourselves into these exclusive New England houses I made up as I wrote this post:
-Dunked Donut (those who are loyal to their ideals, strong-willed and hardworking but susceptible to black-and-white thinking)
-Duck Boat (those with a hunger for life experience, sharp and analytical but also impulsive and desperate for thrills)
-Lobster (those who are blue-blood types with a taste for power and the intelligence to lead effectively but tend to be overzealous and can’t appreciate the subtleties of teamwork)
-Murphy, they’re literally just the Dropkick Murphys we made a whole house for them and none of them even attend the school it’s just in case one of them shows up one day
Florida Houses:
-Sunburn
-Gator
-Pub sub
-Gun
California Houses:
-In n Out
-Chili Peppers
-Redwood
-Drought
Tennessee Houses:
-Mountain Dewds
-Cowboys without Horses
-Drunken Housewifes
-Dead Deer Collectors
Oregon Houses:
– Sasquatch
– Dysentary
– Hippies
– Hipsters
Missouri Houses:
-Tornados
-Corn
-Suburban Deer
-Mosquitos
New York Houses:
-Bacon, egg, and cheese
-Road Rage
-Constant Yelling
-Pizza
Nevada Houses:
-Air Conditioning
-Stripper Glitter
-Chlorine Hair
-Indie Band
wisconsin houses:
– cheddar
– gouda
– mozzarella
– the green bay packers
Ohio houses:
– corn corn rotate soy
– Hell Is Real
– industrial river pollution
– buckeyes
Texas houses:
– piney woods
– black gold
– cow manure
– big hair
– Keep Austin Weird
(We need five, because everything’s bigger in Texas)
Illinois houses:
– Cubs
– Sox
– Bears
– Blackhawks
nah fam Illinois houses are
– The City
– South of I-80
that’s it, that’s all, we only have two houses
New Jersey Houses
– Jersey Devil (people think it’s named after the cryptid, but it’s actually named after the hockey team)
– Taylor Ham/Pork Roll (the house is broken up into two competing factions)
– Central (the Hufflepuff equivalent in that so many discount it as unimportant or doesn’t count)
– Giants (they’re OUR TEAM! FUCK YOU NEW YORK)
Indiana Houses
– Even More Corn
– Racecar
– WASP moms
– Lil Sebastian
New York Houses? You mean NYC Houses. New York would have separate schools- the one listed above (in which I would be Bacon, Egg, and Cheese), and the rest of the state.
-Viagra Triangle (Pink and Gold) -Pullman (Bronze and Black) -El Paseo (Red and Blue) -Lake Shore Brunch (Green + whatever color is most ironic right now)
Suburbs & Downstate:
-Commuter North (White and Navy) -Tornado South (Grey and Maroon) -Drinkin’ Lincoln (Orange and Blue) -Quadtopia (Yellow and Dark Green)
MAryland:
-crab
-spices
-flag
-things patterned in our flag
maine houses :
lobsterboat
moosetracks
“Gonna Get Some Weatha”
big piece of granite
pennsylvania houses:
-sheetz
– wawa (HUGE rivalry with sheetz house)
– perpetual underground trash fire
– ghost hunters
North Carolina:
Lighthouse
Lost Colony
Airplane (fuck Ohio)
Everything West of Raleigh BC That Part Doesn’t Really Matter
malachite is a poisonous mineral. please do not fuck the malachite stalactite
@lizaleigh do you know any rock people that can confirm/deny because I am very curious and really don’t feel like getting into a conversation with my geophysicist brother that MAY somehow get back to the fact I saw a malachite that looked like a weird dildo.
…sadly, I am not on good enough terms with any of our partner geologists to just attach this to an email with the subject line: “EXPLAIN.”
Although I think @mollisaurus is a mineral person. Thoughts?
oh geeze, i’m kinda rusty on minerals but malachite is just copper carbonate and is really common in both antique and modern jewelry so i think like if you were really gun-ho about it you could go ahead and put it wherever you want?
It’s really only a problem if you’re polishing or cutting it. The particles would be bad to breathe. It’s rather porous too, so I would worry about bacteria growing. Well, being literal anyway… Better to leave the poor thing alone. ._.
I mean it kinda depends on where you stick it because malachite does not like acidic environments very much and the malachite will degrade and also might dye your bits blue-green as the copper dissolves out.
So use a condom when fucking rocks is the takeaway here.
Oh my god guys it’s poisonous
It is super poisonous
There is a reason we do not use it in make up any more
Not even with a condom, do not fuck the rock
Try this one instead.
malachite literally explodes in water does it not?
I… no… I think you’re thinking of pure sodium?
Malachite is however water soluble, which really just means it will poison you quicker
This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock
I go on hiatus for a week and come back to find tumblr molesting my post, but hey, at least we all learned something so yay tumblr, you just keep on being you.
I’m still not sure if I can fuck this rock.
I’m looking into it.
UPDATE:
Today in “I’m so sorry, coworkers, it’s for Tumblr,” I brought this post to the attention the science reporters at BuzzFeed. Dan Vergano did a some research and weighed in on the question “Can you use malachite as a dildo or is it toxic?”
The answer is “It’s probably fine, just wash it first and maybe use a bunch of lube.”
Oh man this got so much better than the last time I saw this post
This is my favourite. Science side of tumblr: asking the REAL questions
*biologist crashes through the underbrush*
Ok so here’s the thing though
Malachite is not poisonous to YOU. BUT fucking this stalactite will probably wreck your vaginal flora and leave you with a gruesome infection within a couple days.
Want details? SO GLAD YOU ASKED, ‘CAUSE HERE THEY ARE.
• Malachite is not copper oxide. It’s Cu2CO3(OH)2. Like most carbonates it’s water soluble– that’s how it became a stalactite in the first place! And technically any given chunk of “malachite” isn’t just malachite– it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. This will become important later.
• When malachite dissolves it makes a bunch of copper (Cu++) ions. Cu++ is GREAT at killing bacteria and fungi– so good at it that sprays with Cu++ get used a lot as a spray in agriculture to stop plant disease. It takes such a large dose to harm larger organisms that copper sprays are used a lot in organic agriculture (like Bordeaux mixture).
So bottom line, yes malachite is technically nontoxic to humans. But it kills bacteria when it dissolves and releases Cu++.
• Malachite dissolves somewhat slowly in water– but vaginal secretions aren’t just any water. A healthy human vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and a salinity of about 0.9%. It’s also warmer than your average underground cave at 37°C (or 98.5°F in American meat units). As luck would have it, acidity, salinity, and warmth all make malachite dissolve faster.
• In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite.
• I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is.
• Gonna to take a quick moment to point out that sex toys that dissolve when you use them are maybe not the best investment.
• Anyway the key question now is “how fast does the human vagina dissolve malachite?” Are we talking geological timescale, a Nazis-in-Indiana-Jones situation, or something in between? If the reaction kinetics of dissolution are very slow, then there’s nothing to worry about. An encounter with a stalactite would have to last years for enough Cu++ to leach out to cause problems. If it’s quick then we’re in trouble.
• Unfortunately it looks like nobody really knows. One of the best sources on how malachite dissolves & precipitates in water– an EPA document on how to avoid too much Cu++ in municipal drinking water systems– helpfully says “The kinetic constraints on the formation of these solids in water systems are largely unexplored” (p. 42) because end equilibrium points is all you need to run a city water system safely. In other words, the experiments that would tell us how fast malachite dissolves in various types of water just don’t exist because nobody’s ever needed to know before. So we’d better assume it’s going to happen reasonably quickly, #for safety.
• So in best scientific fashion, we’re just going to bullshit our way ahead using what facts we DO have on hand: endpoint equlibria.
That orange box is how many moles of dissolved Cu++ Scaife got from sticking malachite in some water that had 0.171 moles NaCl/L (body salinity is about 0.154 moles NaCl/L so this is slightly less salty than people) at 30°C. He’s got no acidity in there, and again the salinity and temperature are slightly lower than people. But this is probably the closest we’re going to get to data on how malachite behaves in vaginas anytime soon, folks. From this we can take away that if you leave malachite alone in a vagina you’ll get AT LEAST 9.12 x 10^-4 moles/L, or 5.8 ppm, of Cu++ at equilibrium.
• Recall from above that most “malachite” isn’t actually pure malachite, it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. The EPA document elaborates: “[T]raditional ‘eyeball’ identification of malachite by its blue-green color is extremely
unreliable, because almost all cupric hydroxysulfates, hydroxycarbonates, hydroxychlorides,
and even fresh cupric hydroxide can be some shade of blue-green. … Thus, the uncertainty in the computed copper
concentration in equilibrium with malachite is at least about a factor of 2 … until further experimental data focusing on this problem is generated.”
In other words, “do your math and then double how much Cu++ you think is going to be in the water, just in case.” So that gives us 11.6ppm Cu++, at equilibrium, with malachite in a (til now!) healthy vagina.
• Next step: do we have any idea what happens to bacteria in acid conditions with copper? OH MY GOD WE TOTALLY DO. Gyawali et al 2011 checked this out in the context of “so what if we rinsed tomatoes with a solution of lactic acid and copper, because that would be a safe & organic way to get rid of E. coli?” So now this post has officially ruined stalactites, vaginas, and tomatoes.
^This would happen. These are the counts of 4 E. coli strains exposed to various levels of lactic acid & Cu++ for 8 hours. This table only shows the end counts but it represents the death of 99.7% of bacteria*.
• Losing 99.7% of your vaginal flora is seriously bad news. You’re looking at really good odds of a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and/or other infection issues. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be in the 4% of the population or so that’s sensitive to skin contact with copper.
• The good news? Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete. However this stalactite is not flared at the base so it is the wrong shape for putting in your butt. Do not put this stalactite in your butt.
• This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out.
• Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving.
• Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes.
• Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve.
• Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation.
• Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this
• Pls use a condom when fucking any water-soluble material
• Still don’t put the stalactite in your butt -3/10 do not recommend
i like to imagine that clark kent’s search history is mostly normal but then there’s stuff like “improved superman costume concept art” because he wanted ideas
someone said they wanted to be able to reblog this with my horrible tags
no but like… do you sue him for using your designs? Do you politely ask him to stop using your designs? Do you ask him for license fees when the Superman merchandise adopts your design as well?
i am absolutely sure that he would find one with an artist’s comment/description that included “hey superman if you’re reading this feel free to use this anytime ok ;3″ and he would say “oh man that’s so thoughtful, thank you weedhorse69, I think I will” and like how do you explain in court that you, weedhorse69, did not intend for your statement to be any kind of contractual offer because you did not think he would ever find your public internet post with his name all over it
(With my deepest apologies to Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss)
Can I kill my Uncle Claude? Yes, I can, I can, by God! I will kill my Uncle Claude!
Should I kill him in the house? Should I kill him while he’s soused? I could kill him here or there I could kill him anywhere Would I, could I, while he prays? Kill him! Kill him! Wherefore stay? I would not, could not, while he prays!
Not in the house, not when he’s soused, Not with his sister, now his spouse! Not while he prays, not while he feasts, O, incestuous, adulterate beast! I do not like my Uncle Claude, I do not like that bloody bawd!
Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would I, could I, in the dark?
Should I kill him in his bed? Should I there strike off his head? Kill him with his nightcap on? Kill him when the churchyards yawn? Should I kill him where he lies? I will kill him, by and by! I do not like my Uncle Claude, I’ll kill him, i’ th’ name of God!
The play! The play! The play’s the thing! The thing wherein I’ll catch the king! No more ‘to be or not to be,’ I will kill him, you will see!
Kill him while he wears his crown Kill him while his guard is down
Kill him with some poisoned wine Kill him with this sword of mine
O, is the point envenomed, too? I’m dead–Horatio, adieu! But tell them, tell them, more or less, Who it was that made this mess!
I did not like my Uncle Claude, I killed him in the name of God! Good friend, report my cause aright– And now, goodnight goodnight goodnight!
oh my god, is this my thing now. OKAY, fair warning, this one’s gonna be… real long.
OKAY SO LIKE. way back in the waybackwhen, we’ve been kicked outta judea for the… first? second? first time. (we got kicked out of israel/judea a… few times. we got kicked out of spain twice, we got kicked out of the netherlands three times, we got kicked out of france and bavaria five times, we got kicked out of mainz in particular four times
god bless the gentiles honestly they’re god’s appointed travel agency. ANYWAY)
so we’re in persia. and we’re under the rule of king ahasueare– king ahahasay– king ahasueueueueue-
KING AHASARARUARAUAEREASS, who is having a Party
and king ahdahahaah has a wife, vashti, who is among the hottest women in the whole country.
king aheshhh, who is quite drunk at this point, is like VASHTI. VASHTI I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND HAVE FUN AT THIS PARTY. I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND DANCE FOR US AND WEAR YOUR CROWN
vashti is like ughhhhhhhh FINE
king aaaaaaahhahaha is like …ONLY YOUR CROWN
vashti is like …not fine
so, because this is ancient persia and men are terrible, vashti is promptly divorced and king aughjesus decides to hold the Country’s Biggest Beauty Contest, where the Most Beautiful Women in Persia will all audition to be his wife!!! (I TOLD YOU MEN WERE TERRIBLE)
MEANWHILE haman, a smug motherfucker with a three-pointed hat, is a councillor for the king. haman, because ancient persia does not have any kind of government that could be labeled “sensible”, makes a law that says Everyone In This Country Must Bow Down To Me When I Pass, because Reasons.
BUT, guess who does not bow down to people, you guessed right, it is the jews. chiefly and specifically in this instance an equally smug (but much less powerful) motherfucker by the name of mordecai.
haman passes mordecai, is like “you don’t look like you’re bowing??? that is not a bow shape??? exPLAIN.” mordecai is like “r u god? i don’t think yr god? i think god would have better taste in hats? so”
so haman is plotting like a motherfucker, which he is, and mordecai is Mad Afraid, but there is no time for plotting or fear because guess what it’s beauty contest time, motherfuckers
and guess who mordecai has enrolled in it, it is HIS NIECE, ESTHER
esther is hotter than vashti, but, like, in a chiller way. in my head, samira wiley. (in my head, esther is a lesbian. in my head esther is my girlfriend. right. ANYWAY)
king ahooleyhoo immediately picks esther, as she is the Most Beautiful Woman In A Ten Thousand Mile Radius (as are all jews OBVIOUSLY), and she is taken up into the palace to be the most beautiful and powerful woman in a ten thousand mile radius. and she is also mad smart, so
meanwhile haman has finished his Plotting and has resulted in this: he is going to get revenge against mordecai by Killing All The Jews.
“oh yeah,” say the jews. “real original.”
mordecai goes, well, coincidentally, i happen to have a niece who is the queen of persia. and ollies over like ESTHER? ESTHER HAMAN IS PLOTTING TO KILL US ALL. ALL THE JEWS. DO SOMETHING
esther is like, i have a solution to this. the solution involves getting naked.
so she holds a banquet for her husband the king, and at the banquet is like WOW… GOSH… I’M VERY NAKED… AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BANQUET. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A LOT OF SEX AND GOOD FOOD, DARLING HUSBAND
darling husband is like fuck yes, gets drunk as shit. esther is like okay. yes. now that you are full of good food and heavily sexed up, can i have a thing. can that thing be that you vow to protect me from anyone who wants to kill me
…sure, says king aheshehaara. sg.
great, says esther. havin a banquet tomorrow night too. be there or be square
king ajldfghfdghk;dfghufgsdoi has no desire to be square, so he comes to the banquet tomorrow night to find that esther has also invited… HAMAN? “well,” he thinks to himself, “i have never pictured this threesome before, but y’know, life is a rich tapestry”
but eventually esther goes “ah okay remember that promise to protect me from anyone who would kill me. what if i told you. i knew a dude who would do that thing”
“I WOULD SUPER KILL THAT DUDE,” says king ahassafrass, who has exactly 2 problem-solving methods
“great,” says esther. “what if i told you… THIS IS THE DUDE.” AND SHE POINTS AT THE DUDE. WHO IS HAMAN. WHO IS AT THE TABLE!!!
!!!!! says king ahahahahhfewsse.
!!!!!! says esther.
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ says haman.
so esther REVEALS SHE IS A JEW! and that haman is implicitly PLOTTING TO KILL HER! (“i didn’t– I WAS NOT AWARE,” says haman. “WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING CHECKED THEN,” says esther. “OR WAIT. ANOTHER SOLUTION. IT’S DAWNING ON ME. AN EPIPHANY. YOU COULD NOT KILL PEOPLE”)
the king has haman hanged on the gallows on which he was planning to hang all the jews. and guess who is instituted as councillor in his place, that’s right, MORDECAI
who declares that the anniversary of Us Not Being Dead shall be celebrated every year forever with dressing up in costumes, and also that we shall eat little cookies shaped like haman’s hat, and also that whenever haman’s name is mentioned we will yell like hell
hey, says king aharseadslic. could, theoretically, this holiday include getting so drunk you can’t tell the difference between mordecai and haman
…i guess so, says mordecai
right, says king ahasuerus. carry on, haman
AND SO WE CONTINUE THESE TRADITIONS OF EATING COOKIES, WEARING COSTUMES, AND GETTIN SLOSHED, even SCATTERED ACROSS THE WORLD; and yes, i will be spending my thursday gettin drunk on my way to rome
so pour yrself a whiskey, put on a fake beard, and raise a glass: it’s purim 5776, and guess what, motherfuckers?
Why is this making me want Bucky Barnes/Eliot Spencer buddy fic?
OMG, you too? It’s gotta be the hair and the shirt.
It’s a very distinctive look.
Gotta be.
Can’t you just picture it though? Hitter buddies hanging out, doing their thing, and neither of them really talking about their past, but every now and then Bucky does something in such a way that reminds Eliot of something familiar from a job or two, but… nah couldn’t be…
Title: The Cyborg Arm Job Rating: Teen and Up Summary: The Leverage crew run into a new friend, find some buried treasure, and fight some Nazis. It’s a pretty good day. (Leverage/MCU crossover) Warnings: None.
***
They found him in the middle of a bar fight. He was in the middle of the bar fight as well.
“This is a gastropub!” Eliot yelled, charging out from the kitchen. “There are no bar fights in a gastropub!”
“Man, I don’t think he cares,” Hardison said. He was watching the fight from a distance with an almost philosophical look on his face. Most of the table settings in the immediate area were already broken, so that was no longer of any concern, and he’d never liked that pattern anyway (it had been a compromise betweeen Eliot’s desire for square plates and Parker’s desire for lots of flowers, and nobody ended up satisfied).
Kimchi and Justice 